It's like I have this desperate urge to start all over again with a blank slate...
And so I ruthlessly purge all the Unnecessary in my Life.
I need a Serious Deep Reflection Session with Myself.
I can't live my whole life investing emotions on every single thing/person in my life.
I need to learn to say no. I need to learn how to stop feeling obliged to be nice, to care, to accommodate people's emotions all the time at the expense of mine. I need to stop thinking that they care as much as I think they do when in reality, they probably don't. I need to stop feeling guilty and sorry about being inadequate to people all the time, stop feeling the need to be accepted by everyone.
Because it's tiring and it leaves me numb.
Questions. Answers. Decisions. Never liked 'em much.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
De-cluttering my Life.
Maybe.
Rainy days and chancing upon old mementos have a way of digging up feelings I've chosen to bury a long time ago.
I suddenly miss our everyday banter, your endless teasing.
Ranting to you and you gamely taking the violent manifestations of my stress.
Your sincere efforts to cheer me up when I'm down and spoil me with treats (unwanted or wanted) - gestures I took for granted.
Still being nice to me despite my purposeful indifference in the end.
You're now just part of my past I cannot and should not want to retrieve.
But, from time to time, I still can't help but wonder what could have been.
I had my reasons then , both valid and irrational.
My pride - I kept wanting someone better.
Fear of judgment - I cared too much about what people thought.
Preserving my parents' trust - I could not bear to lose it again.
My conscience - I somehow felt it was just the right thing to do.
But sometimes in retrospect, I found that it was just another classic case of me fighting what I feel, creating excuses to rationalize my denial.
Regardless, given the chance to go back, I still would not have done anything different.
That's all. I just wanted to get it out.
Back to the mess.
I need to learn to let go of the past.
Friday, April 24, 2009
How I Missed You So.
I can foresee happy days ahead.
Just me and my piano, rekindling our long forgotten relationship.
Mad World
"Mad World"
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My Last Entry From 16-06-05
Never thought I'd say this, but I'll miss staying in hall. Despite being the least enthusiastic resident in the history of Hall 16, I still love this place and overall, it's been a good experience.
When I first came, I actually told myself that I'll get myself involved in hall. What a joke. I became too lazy and realized early, that it was not my cup of tea. The scrabble event became the first and last 'hall activity' I ever joined. Hey! I tried OK. Gotta give me props for effort.
For most of the part, I enjoyed the solitude and space staying in hall provided. I'm weird and loner-ish like that. It felt like having my own room again - my ex-roommate was very easy to ignore- and I guess I missed that. I like sharing the same room with my aunt but it's still different having your own personal space (if you know how rooms in hall 16 are structured, you'll know what I mean about 'personal space'). Besides that, I love the huge (frequently messy) table for "studying". In fact, let me just make a sentimental list of why I will actually miss hall.
Big spacious cupboards to stuff all my rubbish.
AIRCON.
Wide and spacious notice board(which I always wished I had at home but never could because we're not allowed to mount anything on the wall).
Very clean toilets. Easy to clean room.
My comfy bed.
The full body mirror (I don't have one in my room at home and I really want one but there's no space).
It's convenient(because of its central location). No need to commute!
Quiet nights.
Being able to blast the music (relatively) loudly.
The local intranet (I can listen to other people's iTunes music. LOL).
Canteen food is pretty nice actually.
The peace and solitude.
The lift and its "Sorry to keep you waiting".
My friendly neighbours from Malaysia and Indonesia.
Having a place to go back to after working till 4 am on group projects.
Meeting Phil in the morning to go for classes- if I actually bother to get up.
Getting my unhealthy kaya toast for breakfast.
Walking up the NIE hill (which just seemed to get steeper everyday).
Late night McDonalds.
My cool magnetic card keys.
Waving hi to the security guard.
Wild boars and squirrels sightings.
Having a refuge during those awkward 3 hour breaks.
Oh! And my new roommate! Despite having known her for only one month, I'm happy to have met her. We just have so many things in common and so many things to talk about! I think hall life would have been more fun if she had been my roommate since semester one. And no, I still wouldn't have joined any hall activities.
I did not apply for a place in hall for next semester because I've chosen to stay at home. I'd rather spend time with my family while I still can because I have all the time in the world after I graduate till I grow old and grey to be independent of them.
=)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
When words can't capture the moment.
I'm scared to attempt to capture this moment with too many words, in case I destroy the moment.
All I know, is that I'm euphoric right now. =)
Containing.the.excitement.
ONE MORE.
shit. I. can't. wait.
this.is.torture.
i.want.to.start.listing.my.long.list.of.
things i Want to do.
hurry.hurry.hurry.and
let me grin a grin containing pure untainted happiness.
Back to Gestalt theory...
and Art History.
Dadaism and Bauhaus strikes me the most.
They're practically on opposite poles but it accurately reflects my state of mind sometimes.
Messy and organized.
I hate V.T. She gave me the same stupid grade for everything. Even for group where I felt I did better than my low effort individual speeches. GAH. The peer evaluation comments are funny. One said I looked "stern and aggressive". HAHA. Even though it's a bad comment I'm perfectly fine because ...it shows I can actually look serious. Rena!!! Get that!!! I have a serious face after all. Harhar.
Ok. I really should shut up and revise.
And 15 minutes before my exam...I do this.
I is majorly crushing on Kris Allen. =)
After he sang his own rendition of "Falling Slowly" I was hooked.
I don't want him to win AI. That's for Adam.
But I'll definitely buy Kris' album.
And his name Kris is a short version of my name Kristin.
Aww. Go ahead and called me Kris. =)=)
Monday, April 20, 2009
Partial Emancipation...
I CAN FLUSH HH202 DOWN THE SHIT HOLE WHERE IT BELONGS!
THIS HORRIBLE MODULE IS OUT OF MY LIFE!
*JUMPS UP AND DOWN IN EUPHORIA*
I've got em' Early Morning Monday Blues
2 more days. I just need to get over 2 more days and then it'll be all over.
The exams. This lackluster semester.
But why oh why does it feel like 2 weeks?
Since post-recess break week, it's been a nonstop sprint towards the finish line.
Week after week, juggling projects simultaneously, stretching my patience and determination.
I'm exhausted but I still choose to smile.
And strange enough, the defense mechanism I have in place right now is one utilizing numbness and a heck-care attitude bordering dangerous levels.
Present-me is too tired to care - to even regret.
I'm not giving up, I'm just rationalizing why I can't seem to throw myself into the whole thing completely now.
I need a pure, unadulterated break to figure what all this is for.
