The Case of the Cream Puff Craving

When it comes to food, I have absolutely zero will power. It's quite sad,really.
Once I have a craving, it'll gnaw on my guts persistently and I simply succumb to it, without much of a fight hence ruining my grand plans of slimming down. Sigh.
Current enemy? Cream puffs.
The moment I took my first bite on those Beard Papa's Fresh'n Natural Cream Puffs, I was hooked.

It looks like a huge mouth spewing tartar sauce.

It's not exactly the most appetizing when it comes to presentation which is probably the reason why I took so long to even give it a try. I thought their gimmicky claim of being the "world's best cream puff" was rather pompous and I merely smirked at its fallacious marketing campaign. But I guess they had the last laugh because I, the customer whose logic is dominated by her taste buds, am willing to pay $2.20 for that little piece of goodness. $2.20 may seem like a small amount but once these cravings become stronger and more frequent, "puff" goes my money.

I've decided on a battle plan. I shall indulge myself so frequently that in time, I'll be impartial to it. I'll wake up one day without the delicious image of cream puffs floating in my head. But of course I know absolutely well that I'm only deluding myself, and using the guise of the "battle plan" as an excuse (i.e desperate justification) to eat all I want without the guilt gnawing on my guts at the same time. I'll simply have to believe in one of my mottoes "One life, eat it".

When I related these cravings to a friend, a "maybe you're pregnant" is what I got. -___-
I certainly am not (I have no love life, no social life and I'm not asexual) but that got me thinking. If I have such cravings now, I'll be a total wreck when I'm pregnant (if ever *the thought simply scares me*). My mom used to tell me that when she was pregnant she'll have weird cravings for certain fruits like raw papaya and mango and even fattening food like KFC and pizza hut (which clearly explains why I was such a baby balyena [Filipino word for whale] ). Oh gosh, I can imagine it now. The scenario? Me demanding I be fed cream puff, specifically that cream puff (while I'm all puffed up) and my ever obliging husband(he better be, he's half to blame) scrambling to the nearest Beard Papa shop to get me a dozen of 'em. Hmm, maybe it won't be so bad, as long as I'm lucky enough to snag an ever obliging husband that is. =P

It's 3.30 AM and
I'm still thinking of that cream puff.

Hai Naku.

Tuesday's If...

Taken from Tuesday If's
If you could change 5 things about your past what would they be and why?

I would have...

1. Plodded on with Piano : Because starting again when one has become rusty is a frustrating hurdle.
2. Learnt a foreign language seriously: Because if I did, I should have been relatively proficient by now. *thinks about all the time wasted* damn.
3. Told people how I really felt : Because on those occasions I lied to people, in the end I realized that I was only lying to myself.
4. Started saving and investing money earlier : Because I simply regret not starting earlier.
5. Not been such a bitch to her : Because that was an ugly side of me I don't want to remember.

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I've always liked reading my daily horoscope and I do so almost religiously. It's embarrassingly superficial but I confess that it us one of the first things I read when I pick up the newspaper. Although I don't seriously believe in it, I am still somewhat amazed by its "coincidental" accuracy. Occasionally I would tend towards the superficial side and follow it but most of the times I would forget it 10 seconds after reading. I know that the trick of horoscopes is to make it as vague as possible so that most people can fit their events of the day into what their horoscope says. I also find myself remembering my day's horoscope whenever I'm in a situation that echoes what it said. It thus acts like a warning system of some sort.So with that mouthful said, I regret not reading my horoscope for today.
It said,

" Do not trust that ATM receipt today. Facts and figures are fare more fluid than usual and you may accidentally overdraw your account. Go frugal for the time being and you will not be sorry."

If I had read it earlier, I would not have given in to temptation and spent a regrettable sum of money on unnecessary purchases. Damn. I shall not spend money (except for groceries) till my parents come back. It's house arrest for me. This time I promise to accomplish what I had set out to do (which is a long list of tasks)

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Bus ride Notes #1:
(When long bus rides puts me into a pensive mood)

What does it mean to live life to the fullest?
Does it mean filling every minute of your life doing the things you want to do or the things you need to do?
Does a fulfilling life equate to achieving a set of expectations society has set on you or even the expectations you have imposed on yourself?
Or does it mean reaching the zenith of your potential, the potential others see in you and hope you maximize, the potential you yourself are unaware about.
Does it mean living for yourself, simply acting on what would benefit you the most?
Or does it mean caring about other people, assuming their burden as your own with dreams of healing the world in your own little way.

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jaa ne!

The Longest First Entry

Adieu blogdrive! Hello blogspot!

Reasons for change:

1. I've always hated the fact that I can't archive my posts properly using
blogdrive.

Using the calendar to view past entries is excessively irritating.
2. The blogging functions and options are better at blogspot. Blogdrive became a
a tad bit too manual when performing certain tasks, like resizing photos and
editing the template.
3. Why am I explaining myself to you?

On a more interesting note, here's an update on my oh-so-interesting life.
It's been ages since I last blogged (publicly that is...) so here's a summary.(an extremely verbose one at that)

1. I was accepted to all my first choices at the local universities: NUS FASS (sociology), NTUWKWSCI(communication studies) and SMU LKCBS(business management). As you may have noticed, I did not even consider any sciences. After all, 4 more years of studying the golgi apparatus and the importance of the Sn2 mechanism spells suicide for me. I blogged about my university dilemma earlier and I'll post it here.

It's been a long journey, full of many ups and even more downs.
It was a path filled with self doubt and frustration but in the end, I surprised myself.
Yes, I was scared to believe I could do it in case I couldn't.
So I harbored thoughts of incompetency and created a plethora of excuses for complacency.
I lowered my expectations but hoped against hope for the best.
I gave it my best, given the circumstances.
In retrospect, I now find myself not regretting things I used to regret.
Because now I know what those experiences have taught me. A little late yeah, but I still learned the lessons.

I've gotten my first choices for all my applications.
To be perfectly honest, this has increased my self esteem by a notch or two.
At least now I can truly say to myself that I'm worth it.
Now I can truly believe in my capabilities.
I entered SFMS because I had no choice. No local school wanted to accept me.
I entered JJC because I had no choice. My O level results were not good enough for my choice JC.

Now I will enter university, provided with three choices. Choices brought about by my own merit and hard work. MY choices. Not choices brought about by unfortunate circumstances.
I won't be entering a course I don't fancy simply because I have no choice.
I won't be forced to go to only a certain university because it's my only available choice.

I've gone this far. I should be, for once in my life, be truly proud of my achievement.

Now Lord, I leave it to You.
I've tried my best and I will continue giving my best.
Just to what...I still am not sure.
So give me a sign

So after 2 weeks of grueling internal debates , advice from people I trust, daily prayers asking for help in making a decision and what seemed like perpetual confusion I finally chose NTU WKWSCI communication studies. It was a difficult decision simply because it's the first time I made my own decision about something important in my life. As said in the blog entry, I've pretty much had my whole life dictated by circumstances that lead to having not much choice and I accepted it and was comfortable with it even. So when things didn't go well, I never took responsibility. Now if I ever come to hate this course and school (God forbid), it'll be all my fault. That realization motivates me to give my 100% in everything I do and simply make the most of what I've been blessed with.

It's funny because it should have been an easy decision. After the stressful CS interview, I had thought "Damn.It's over.I won't get it." and when I think back on that day, I remember feeling dejected while wearing a semi-confident facade. So I psyched myself up for NUS FASS after successfully convincing myself that I was going to be rejected (talk about poor self esteem. haha). And one fine day, I got my letter of acceptance from NTU. And I became confused. Then when my parents started talking about practicality and employability, I was swayed towards SMU. It was a "good" dilemma but a dilemma nonetheless.
I finally came to a decision and I'm going to stick to it no matter what.
I believe that whichever university I chose would have been the "right" choice anyway. Only God knows what the future holds and I'm truly grateful to God for giving me this opportunity.


2. I'm currently unemployed. Quite happily unemployed I must say. I quit waitressing before my 19th birthday. I just hated the fact that I had to work on Saturdays, the late shifts, the strict environment and most importantly, the manager wouldn't give me a day off on my birthday and the day after my birthday; a Friday and a Saturday. Haha. I chose not to be miserable because of work. There were fun moments but at that time, also strangely emotionally draining. In fact I didn't mind the physical work (although the scars from the blisters I got are my eternal souvenirs). I guess what I experienced was far from what I expected it to be. The only person I truly miss from that place is Da Wang, the big friendly chef. Although his English was as terrible as my Chinese, we still managed to communicate.

Strangely enough, I don't have a picture with Rena.

I tried looking for other jobs later on, only because I wanted to save up for my new Zealand trip that failed to materialize. So now I have no motivation to force myself to work. And the fact that I'm on dependent pass, unable to speak Chinese and inexperienced greatly narrows my choice of jobs. Believe me I've called up a lot of numbers from the straight times ads only to be told "I'm sorry, we're only looking for Singaporeans or PR's." When I finally get one that would consider DP, they require at least 3 months commitment. I'm too restless to commit. Hehe.

After 2 years of being deprived of guiltless free time, I'm thoroughly enjoying every moment now before university starts because I know that once school starts, it's another non stop 4 year roller coaster ride. Yes there will be breaks but it won't be the kind of break where I can just read a novel, watch dramas, lie around and do nothing without something school related at the back of my mind.

I've been watching a lot of Japanese dramas lately. I like it better than Korean dramas because it's shorter and more touching. The story telling is really good and Japanese script writers have an unbelievable talent of embedding so much meaning in what we would normally view as ordinary objects, be it an eraser or a button. The cinematography is really good too. And not forgetting the most important thing: the hot guys. I'm still a teenager so I have the right to swoon over whichever J pop idol/actor I want and be a bimbotic fan.

Japanese Dramas

1. Gokusen 1 & 2
2. Hana Kimi
3. Hana Yori Dango 1 & 2
4. Hotaru no Hikari
5. Kurosagi
6. Nobuta wo Produce
7. Proposal Daisakusen
8. Tatta Hitotsu no Koi
9. Kimi wa no Petto

Japanese movies

1. Virgin Snow
2. Boku wa Imouto ni Koi wo suru

And now I'm watching:

1. Zettai Kareshi
2. Last Friends

Korean dramas

1. 9 end 2 outs
2. My girl
3. Coffee Prince

Korean movies

1. 200 pounds beauty
2. My boyfriend is type B
3. Seducing Mr. Perfect

Right now, I think I've reached saturation point. Hence I'm not actively searching for the next interesting drama to watch. The only one I'm hooked to is "Last Friends" which is ongoing in Japan every Thursday. The version with English subtitles comes like 5 days later, to much of my misery. =(

I've also been addicted to the band KAT TUN. I just love a lot of their songs especially "Someday for Somebody" sung by Kamenashi Kazuya. He's my new love. Actually I'm torn between him and Yamashita Tomohisa (Yamapi). My verdict? Yamapi is cuter. Kame is more talented. I've also been watching CARTOON KAT TUN ! The guests are hilarious and highly interesting! One guest ate like 100+ sushi (the one with raw tuna I think) non stop! One actress has a fetish for protruding belly!

guys in pink look hot too

My favourite music video and song from Proposal Daisakusen.

3. No my dears, I haven't only been watching drama. I've been reading novels too! Mostly by Haruki Murakami and Paolo Coelho. I still have a ridiculously long list of books to read! I've read some of the many random "self help" books my brother has. On life, on success, on spirituality. For a couple of weeks I had intensively researched on New Zealand just to find it all go to waste. I'm attempting to relearn piano too. But what I've been pretty engrossed with these days is beaded jewellery. =) Yes, I'll show you some of my creations later on. They're not half bad ok!

4. As to why I haven't been blogging in a long time...well...I simply did not feel like it. I did write some entries, some rather private so I refused to post it. Then there's the verbal constipation. I'm also the type to be too preoccupied with details like the aesthetics of my blog. If I don't like the look of my blog, I'll try to do something about that first rather than deal with the content. In addition my mind was too muddled with so many thoughts, I simply wasn't able to organize them. I once wrote,

It's been a really long time since I blogged a proper entry. I find laying down my thoughts in the open an unfamiliar and difficult process. For a long time, I couldn't find the right words to translate these muddled thoughts and feelings. Let's just call it a severe case of verbal constipation. A more frustrating experience that of the cliche known as writer's block.

Blogging has suddenly become an unfamiliar task to me. It's unsettling that it takes me almost half an hour to even get these first few words down. This is nuts. The irony is that I have enough material to fill a dozen of entries yet I produce not one. Thus the new blog name: tumbled thoughts. Fits me no? My thoughts are in a disarray, random and erratic. Cherished memories are saved at the top of my head with a realization that these too, will fade, and will be filtered to a basic image and feeling, devoid of details that might have meant so much more. Questions simply keep popping up, most of which I cannot find answers to.

I think I'll stop my first entry here. I still have a LOT to say actually. I'm extremely verbose if you must know. So before I die of verbal diarrhoea I shall indulge my current number 1 need : sleep.


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