A very long entry

Recess Week is nearly ending and I haven't accomplished anything that I can be proud of.
I've been slacking (academically) since last Thursday till today. That's one whole week of failed attempts to study and play catch up. At the rate I'm going, everything I do will end up a 'failure' anyway because my expectations are too high and my plans highly ambitious. So whatever I do, will always fall short of what should have been done.

To my consolation, it (pseudo-holidays) was not a complete failure. I did manage to work on our group speech for 205. I managed to catch up on 5 weeks worth of COM202 (i.e. actually internalize the lecture slides). I managed to drag myself back to NTU to take my forgotten History notes today. Okay, the last statement is not a great achievement in itself, but is the first step towards achieving the almost-impossible goal of: internalizing those vile readings.
[I really don't know if I can manage this module and I'm severely tempted to S/U it, but the thing with me is that I'll most probably expend the same effort and time studying for the module regardless of whether I S/U it or not. So here I go again, gambling away my G.P.A. because of my pride and my incessant albeit unnecessary need to prove to myself that I can do it]

Time is once again moving so quickly. Where does it all go?

Last Thursday was spent performing the traditional dance at the International Culture and Travel Fair, going to ICA to submit my PR application and watching "He's Just Not That Into You" with the Pinoys. I remember coming back to hall at 1, being unable to sleep and watching the sappy movie "One More Chance" (John Lloyd and Bea Alonzo). As expected I skipped the morning lecture at 9am. I don't even remember what I did on Friday when I came back home.

Saturday was spent hanging out with Aishah and later Farhana for a failed 'tourist' outing which eventually turned into a fun post-birthday celebration. Thanks girls! It was a highly relaxing day.
Sunday was spent going to church then going to Rena's house for a sleepover / post birthday (for me) and pre birthday(for Rena) celebration with my Sushi Gang. I love the cake, the very touching and sentimental present and of course the company. I miss those simple days when we used to see each other in school, whine about A levels and talk about the most ridiculous things. Somehow, the whole transient nature of university still leaves me cold. That, or I haven't made enough effort to put myself out there. (I must admit that even though I'm still rather bubbly and perfectly fine with meeting people, I don't put in as much effort as I used to anymore. It's like I'm tired always being the first one to reach out.)

I continued slacking on Monday. The weather was of no help. I read my library book on philosophy and entertained myself with Jessica Zafra's witty writing. How I wish I could write like her. Tuesday was spent with COM205 group meeting which turned out to be the only productive thing I did this week. Since we're the very first ones up (and I'm the first speaker up), we need to sort it out quickly. Oh shit, there's still my individual speech to worry about.
Watched Slumdog Millionaire with Rohan after. The movie was brilliant and worth all the hype. Go and watch it. We had a nice long chat after and it made me think about a lot of things.
It made me think that I should not think about things too much. Hahaha. I am in urgent need of a paradigm shift if I want my life to go anywhere.

I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. The philosophy book I'm reading is a big help. I just know that I need to settle all these inner conflict. I need to make decisions. I need to figure things out by myself. I need to define things. Define my 'problems', because that's the first step to solving them.

I don't know why but the past few days or week, I've been carrying a heavy heart, a hazy conscience, a restless soul. I've always had, one way or the other, but this time, the emotions were more acutely felt. Talking to people did alleviate the heavy feeling but ultimately, I know it's all up to me.

Lent has begun. It was Ash Wednesday yesterday. To be perfectly honest, Lent has never really meant much to me. I don't fast. I don't abstain. I don't make the effort to understand what it's truly about that's why I don't believe. But this time, I'm going to make the next 40 days a little different. I'm going to try. I won't promise anything concrete, but I will try to inject some meaning into this, not because I should but because I truly want to.

Something unexpected happened during Mass celebrating Ash Wednesday. My brother's friend, who I barely know, and looked a lot like someone gave me a friendly hug as he wished me "peace be with you". In mass, there's a part where we say "Peace be with you" to each other. I usually hug my parents and my aunt, say "peace" cooly to my brothers, hug church friends if they happen to be there, and shake hands with strangers. But yesterday, my parents were seated inside the church while my brother and I were standing outside. My brother's friend came over to us. As with most of my brother's friend, I know their faces and acknowledge them with a cool nod and a smile when we see each other. So when he came over and gave me a hug at that part of the mass, I wasn't expecting it at all. I was very ready to shake his hand. He probably didn't find it awkward because he does it to all his friends, including my brother. Even my brother hugs his friends (boys and girls). The thing is, I don't even hug my brother for goodness sakes. And I don't generally do hugs. Unless you hug me first then I'll hug back. I don't even hug my closest friends. The only times I give hugs is when the person is depressed, leaving for another country or when I haven't seen the person for so long.
So my point is, it was strangely awkward. But it was also strangely comforting because there was no malice in it, and there was genuine sincerity in what he said. After mass, I got into a discussion with my brother about global issues and religion and I realized that even though I disregard my brother's opinion and faith, I do have some stuff to learn from him.

Anyway, that's enough verbal diarrhea for the day. I shall wake up early tomorrow to swim.
I will reach the place before the Clan of Ah Gongs congregate!

If only I was this verbose for COM202. Oh screw it.

When will I learn?

Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating sayo


Sometimes, I simply get carried away.

Pieces of Me

I, of all people, should understand the transient nature of things.

Abrupt endings. Goodbyes or lack thereof.

Fragile invisible strings that connect.

I should be used to it now.

Yet I'm not.



Everytime you walk away, you runaway, you take away a piece of me with you.

Sometimes I feel like many little pieces of me are scattered all over.

But maybe that's better, than being completely whole yet cold.

Ain't A Teen No More

I'm now a young twenty something.

Oh screw labels.

Even though it didn't feel like a birthday (I postponed celebrations. Assignments are such party poopers.), all the greetings still cheered me up a lot.

THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL - one way or the other-

It's 4 AM. We FINALLY finished our History Essay. I officially hate the professor.



How come you didn't remember?

And I'm Not Even Pmsing.

I hate the fact that I'm feeling the way.

Lifeless..Numb.Lost.

I hate the fact that I'm being so unproductive.

Procrastination. Disinterest. Saturated.

I hate the fact that I don't contribute to discussion actively.

Unprepared.Ignorant.Inarticulate.

I hate the fact that my confidence has plummeted drastically.

Insecurities.Directionless.Faithless.

I hate the number 202, and it's not even Maths.

I feel extremely stupid whenever I enter that classroom.

HH202, you're not good for my ego.

Well, I don't believe I'm stupid. I am just so hopelessly unprepared.
The readings are as exciting as COM202 lectures.
And what do I do when presented with boring lectures? I skip it.

202

I've never hated a number so much in my life.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

I cannot dance traditional Filipino dances to save my life.
Especially when it requires having to learn it in a few days.
I'm doomed.


I envy those who can find strength in their Faith in moments of weakness.
I am encumbered by my never ending to-do list. I feel trapped and I'm claustrophobic.
The thing is, it's not supposed to feel this way.

Dammit.It's not supposed to feel this way.

God grant me the
serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
courage
to change the things I can and
wisdom
to know the difference.

I just felt like typing...

It's a bright full moon today. My roommate says that today,after 50 years, the moon is supposed to be in it's brightest and biggest. Or something. But yes, it's really mesmerizing.

Fly me to the moon
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On jupiter and mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me


Monday is my longest day, so at the end of the day, I don't usually feel like doing anything that requires extra oxygen in my brain. But I think I'll make an exception today and torture myself with readings relevant for the COM208 assignment. Even though the initial stage of research is a pain, I'm plodding on because I'm sort of interested in Health Communication. Communication Research can't be all that bad right, I mean our tutor Clarice turned out pretty sane!

Classes ended 15 minutes earlier for 205 and 1 hr 30 mins for GV 11! I actually had time to sleep before History lesson, which is very good because at least, I was a bit more attentive in lecture rather than being all brain dead. Speaking of history, my lecturer likes to call me "Kristin" because there's another Valerie in class already. It's weird responding to that name. Seriously. And he couldn't figure out where I was from even though I kept talking in Filipino to the Filipino exchange student.

Anyway, had BBQ at Xinyi's house on Sunday with the Sushi Family. If only everyday were a Sunday yeah? I really miss being in the same school and class as them and seeing them regularly. O well, things are still the same when we meet up anyway. All's good. But still.

And Saturday was Tri-University Filipino Party, which was really fun. Met a lot of new people (mostly geniuses/scholars - How inept I felt!) and it was just fun being around Filipinos again. It's just different. I barely knew anyone there- in fact I only knew the NTU people- but after just a couple of hours, I've talked to and played with a lot of people. It's like, you just make eye contact, smile, then say "Hi! NUS/NTU/SMU? Course? blah blah blah". It makes my obnoxiousness in saying Hi to people seem...normal. Rena will probably feel that there's an obnoxiousness overload in any Filipino gathering. Hehe.

OK. It's 10 00. I shall start reading, and probably fall asleep halfway. )


The big TWO O is approaching soon. For some reason, I'm not looking forward to it. It just makes me realize that time really is going by quickly. Shit.

I seriously don't know what to say when people ask me what I want.
Because, for most of my presents, the ones I really keep are the birthday cards and letters. I'm such a sentimental person you see.
See, I'm easy to please. Just remember my birthday, say something really nice to me (like I'm extra pretty/smart that day), sincerely wish me (good health, that I grow one or two more inches) and I'm happy already.

Oh, and if you can help me find the love of my life, I'd also be grateful.

I'm hungry. Feed me.

And I wonder.

A lot of things have got me thinking recently and one nagging 'what-if' thought lingers:

What if I had gone back to Philippines after O levels?

Would I have been happier? Less Confused? More alive?

This is when questions of fate seem to go around in circles.

Well, I can't do anything about it now, but I can still wonder, can't I?

And there's...

Another 208 Assignment.
Research and Interview.
15 minutes worth of shit to transcribe.
And 208 readings to summarise.
There's still the 202 project outline to do.
And discussion board postings.
And to figure out what 202 is all about.
And 5 weeks of history readings to catch up with.
And a 2000 word essay for History.
And my Art presentation for GV 11.
And to work on our group project.
And 205 Speech analysis.

And a lot of them are due on the week after my birthday.
Which means I'll have lots of assignments on the weekend of my birthday and the week before it.
I demand 36 hours in a day.



I hate school.
I'm going to sleep.

I just can't...

...sit still and read my textbook for even a minute without having my thoughts wander yet I can sit still and watch drama or read a novel for hours straights and even forget the urge to pee.

Random Thursday Afternoon Thoughts

I dislike the fact that coffee does not have the intended effect on me. I drink coffee simply because I love the taste. Oh, and I like to delude myself into thinking that it will actually keep me awake.

Almost 3 hours straight in the Mac Lab creating merely 4 magazine pages almost drove me nuts. Now I wonder why I had secret hopes of working in the publishing industry. Maybe it's because, despite churning out relatively crappy/mediocre/boring pages, despite the frustration and the aching back, I actually had the motivation to do better instead of giving up.

Coffee sold at posh cafes are overrated and overpriced. The one served at the hawker center is so much better.

I loathe original History text written by Historians. The dry, bombastic, circumlocutory language makes reading a single sentence a painful process. The experience is worse than reading Great Expectations.

Why oh why do we have so many requirements to fulfill? In other universities, the normal load is like, 4 modules per semester (about 15 hours a week).

Why am I playing catch up again?

2-in-1

Gratitude List #2:
04/02/09

1. I have the nicest Dad in the world. He came all the way to Boon Lay JP to pass me my hall card and treat me lunch!

2. I have a Mom who likes shopping as well!

3. Hana Yori Dango Korean Version. I'm officially addicted.

4. Gossip Girl. Another distraction. They keep me sane.

5. Facebook! What would I do without you?!

6. My Hall Room!

7. Mini Oranges: seedless and sweetest!

8. Easy to maintain $3 haircut. Looks better. Less stress.

9. Clean air to breathe. =)

10. Jacket. The Mac Labs are insanely cold.




Gratitude List # 3:
05/02/09

1. Entertaining lecturers. (The guest lecturer for 202 today-at least I remember something )

2. Expose (F3) button in Mac. Makes running multiple windows/applications so much easier. I shall be eternally grateful to the computer geek who created that function.

3. Twister Fries. I just really really like it and eating it makes me happy. (Babaw ng kaligayahan)

4. Pinoys in NTU, at least I can practise my Filipino!

5. FREE THURSDAYS! Then I feel like I deserve to rest on Wednesday night. Hehe.

6. Facebook! Finding old friends! As in way way way back. HAHA. I found my kindergarten friend even though we don't remember much about each other. I just remember taking the same bus and being in the same class.

7. Thumb drive. Wala lang.

8. Electric Blue nail polish on my toenails! Hahaha. Colour makes me feel happy.

9. The nice cold weather from late afternoon onwards.

10. The Subbers! How can I feed my addiction without English Subtitles?! (See # 3 from the previous list)


If only I could drop my History module. That would be in my Gratitude List every single minute of my life. =)

Today's Gratitude List

I think from now on, I will post a Gratitude List everyday - a list of 10 things I'm especially grateful for for that day. Hopefully this would help me put my life in perspective.

I'm grateful that...

1. My Mom reached U.S. safe and sound.
2. I don't have to worry about my basic necessities.
3. My Mom still has a job and we're doing OK in this trying times.
4. Despite the inherent loneliness I feel, I still have the best family in the world to go to.
5. I got to meet up with Chloe after 5 years and it's still the same. :)
6. I am such a fortunate position that I have time to worry about frivolous things like what to eat.
7. I have my Mac. It's the first electronic gadget I've truly ever loved. Haha.
8. I have friends who are supportive in times of near panic. Thanks Reg, June and Canphylia for the moral support during my first speech. =)
9. I have a dorm room I can go back to when I'm physically exhausted to go back all the way home.
10. I have the nicest Dad in the whole world who spoils me silly. Haha.