It's like I have this desperate urge to start all over again with a blank slate...
And so I ruthlessly purge all the Unnecessary in my Life.
I need a Serious Deep Reflection Session with Myself.
I can't live my whole life investing emotions on every single thing/person in my life.
I need to learn to say no. I need to learn how to stop feeling obliged to be nice, to care, to accommodate people's emotions all the time at the expense of mine. I need to stop thinking that they care as much as I think they do when in reality, they probably don't. I need to stop feeling guilty and sorry about being inadequate to people all the time, stop feeling the need to be accepted by everyone.
Because it's tiring and it leaves me numb.
Questions. Answers. Decisions. Never liked 'em much.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
De-cluttering my Life.
Maybe.
Rainy days and chancing upon old mementos have a way of digging up feelings I've chosen to bury a long time ago.
I suddenly miss our everyday banter, your endless teasing.
Ranting to you and you gamely taking the violent manifestations of my stress.
Your sincere efforts to cheer me up when I'm down and spoil me with treats (unwanted or wanted) - gestures I took for granted.
Still being nice to me despite my purposeful indifference in the end.
You're now just part of my past I cannot and should not want to retrieve.
But, from time to time, I still can't help but wonder what could have been.
I had my reasons then , both valid and irrational.
My pride - I kept wanting someone better.
Fear of judgment - I cared too much about what people thought.
Preserving my parents' trust - I could not bear to lose it again.
My conscience - I somehow felt it was just the right thing to do.
But sometimes in retrospect, I found that it was just another classic case of me fighting what I feel, creating excuses to rationalize my denial.
Regardless, given the chance to go back, I still would not have done anything different.
That's all. I just wanted to get it out.
Back to the mess.
I need to learn to let go of the past.
Friday, April 24, 2009
How I Missed You So.
I can foresee happy days ahead.
Just me and my piano, rekindling our long forgotten relationship.
Mad World
"Mad World"
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My Last Entry From 16-06-05
Never thought I'd say this, but I'll miss staying in hall. Despite being the least enthusiastic resident in the history of Hall 16, I still love this place and overall, it's been a good experience.
When I first came, I actually told myself that I'll get myself involved in hall. What a joke. I became too lazy and realized early, that it was not my cup of tea. The scrabble event became the first and last 'hall activity' I ever joined. Hey! I tried OK. Gotta give me props for effort.
For most of the part, I enjoyed the solitude and space staying in hall provided. I'm weird and loner-ish like that. It felt like having my own room again - my ex-roommate was very easy to ignore- and I guess I missed that. I like sharing the same room with my aunt but it's still different having your own personal space (if you know how rooms in hall 16 are structured, you'll know what I mean about 'personal space'). Besides that, I love the huge (frequently messy) table for "studying". In fact, let me just make a sentimental list of why I will actually miss hall.
Big spacious cupboards to stuff all my rubbish.
AIRCON.
Wide and spacious notice board(which I always wished I had at home but never could because we're not allowed to mount anything on the wall).
Very clean toilets. Easy to clean room.
My comfy bed.
The full body mirror (I don't have one in my room at home and I really want one but there's no space).
It's convenient(because of its central location). No need to commute!
Quiet nights.
Being able to blast the music (relatively) loudly.
The local intranet (I can listen to other people's iTunes music. LOL).
Canteen food is pretty nice actually.
The peace and solitude.
The lift and its "Sorry to keep you waiting".
My friendly neighbours from Malaysia and Indonesia.
Having a place to go back to after working till 4 am on group projects.
Meeting Phil in the morning to go for classes- if I actually bother to get up.
Getting my unhealthy kaya toast for breakfast.
Walking up the NIE hill (which just seemed to get steeper everyday).
Late night McDonalds.
My cool magnetic card keys.
Waving hi to the security guard.
Wild boars and squirrels sightings.
Having a refuge during those awkward 3 hour breaks.
Oh! And my new roommate! Despite having known her for only one month, I'm happy to have met her. We just have so many things in common and so many things to talk about! I think hall life would have been more fun if she had been my roommate since semester one. And no, I still wouldn't have joined any hall activities.
I did not apply for a place in hall for next semester because I've chosen to stay at home. I'd rather spend time with my family while I still can because I have all the time in the world after I graduate till I grow old and grey to be independent of them.
=)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
When words can't capture the moment.
I'm scared to attempt to capture this moment with too many words, in case I destroy the moment.
All I know, is that I'm euphoric right now. =)
Containing.the.excitement.
ONE MORE.
shit. I. can't. wait.
this.is.torture.
i.want.to.start.listing.my.long.list.of.
things i Want to do.
hurry.hurry.hurry.and
let me grin a grin containing pure untainted happiness.
Back to Gestalt theory...
and Art History.
Dadaism and Bauhaus strikes me the most.
They're practically on opposite poles but it accurately reflects my state of mind sometimes.
Messy and organized.
I hate V.T. She gave me the same stupid grade for everything. Even for group where I felt I did better than my low effort individual speeches. GAH. The peer evaluation comments are funny. One said I looked "stern and aggressive". HAHA. Even though it's a bad comment I'm perfectly fine because ...it shows I can actually look serious. Rena!!! Get that!!! I have a serious face after all. Harhar.
Ok. I really should shut up and revise.
And 15 minutes before my exam...I do this.
I is majorly crushing on Kris Allen. =)
After he sang his own rendition of "Falling Slowly" I was hooked.
I don't want him to win AI. That's for Adam.
But I'll definitely buy Kris' album.
And his name Kris is a short version of my name Kristin.
Aww. Go ahead and called me Kris. =)=)
Monday, April 20, 2009
Partial Emancipation...
I CAN FLUSH HH202 DOWN THE SHIT HOLE WHERE IT BELONGS!
THIS HORRIBLE MODULE IS OUT OF MY LIFE!
*JUMPS UP AND DOWN IN EUPHORIA*
I've got em' Early Morning Monday Blues
2 more days. I just need to get over 2 more days and then it'll be all over.
The exams. This lackluster semester.
But why oh why does it feel like 2 weeks?
Since post-recess break week, it's been a nonstop sprint towards the finish line.
Week after week, juggling projects simultaneously, stretching my patience and determination.
I'm exhausted but I still choose to smile.
And strange enough, the defense mechanism I have in place right now is one utilizing numbness and a heck-care attitude bordering dangerous levels.
Present-me is too tired to care - to even regret.
I'm not giving up, I'm just rationalizing why I can't seem to throw myself into the whole thing completely now.
I need a pure, unadulterated break to figure what all this is for.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Carpe Diem?
Live your life as if you're going to die tomorrow.
That's what we've been told.
If only I could apply that motto to my life now.
Because mugging for HH202 will not be the last thing I'll do before I die.
In fact, it just might be the (early) death of me.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Look What I Found.
Every New Semester:
After First Week:
After Second Week:
Before the Mid-Term Test:
During the Mid-Term Test:
After the Mid-Term Test:
Before the Final Exams:
Once Get to Know the Final Exam Schedule:
7 Days Before the Final Exam:
6 Days Before the Final Exam:
5 Days Before the Final Exam:
4 Days Before the Final Exam:
3 Days Before the Final Exam:
2 Days Before the Final Exam:
1 Day Before the Final Exam:
The Night Before the Final Exam:
1 Hour Before the Final Exam:
During the Final Exam:
Once Walk Out From the Examination Hall:
Thursday, April 16, 2009
3 down, 3 to go.
COM 202 is out of my life!
I will celebrate....tomorrow.
As for now, I'll content myself with my Meiji Macadamia Chocolate .
Oh. and a nap.
Then I'll go wrestle the other 202 of my life: HH202.
=(
The last thing I need right now is a runny nose, an aggravating headache and horrible pimples to add to my sunken dark panda eyebags.
=( I feel absolutely vile and repulsive.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
2 down, 4 to go.
I'm currently experiencing an absurd case of the "body is willing but the spirit is weak" instead of the other way round. I'm mentally exhausted and emotionally numbed and all I want to do is sleep but I'm feeling so awake.
Blame the potent Red Bull I had this morning and I only took like 3 sips of that diluted drink. This coming from the girl who falls asleep after drinking coffee.
So I'll just rant here, till I feel remotely sleepy (physically) when in my mind, I'm half gone already.
COM208 in the morning was a pleasant surprise. Marko scores in my books today because he gave MCQ's and True/False instead of another long essay. Except that the MCQ contained funny questions and phrases I've never ever seen. I just googled "screw-you effect" and I got this from urban dictionary:
the screw you effect
A psychological term. When a participant is in an experiment you may not get accurate results because they are aware of the experiment and in turn go out of their way to do everything wrong or go against everything u ask them to.
scientist 1 "this guy is doing everything wrong"
scientist 2 "ah a classic case of the screw you effect"
Then this effect should be a "confounding" variable right? Then again, this is from urban dictionary.com where my name, Valerie means "the most awesome girl in the world". Yes, yes, it can thus be trusted. I refuse to look at the other meanings: some are hilariously insulting. LOL.
I should sleep and stop blogging so much.
223 was doable except that I got extremely carried away with the first question. I spent almost 40 minutes on a 15 mark question. What a doofus. I did the exact same thing last semester with another open book exam (i.e. Biz Law) except that one was more epic because it was only worth 10 points.
I'm having a serious pimple break out: they're physical manifestations of my extremely unhealthy habits of sleeping late, eating McDonalds, stress, caffeine, junk food, more junkfood, oily fattening food and no exercise.
I finally yawned. Twice. I'm sleepy. Good night. afternoon. evening. whatever
I'm blogging a tad bit too much.
I keep pronouncing Spearman's Rho as Sperm-man's Rho.
Messed up.
Hypothesis: The frequency of my blog updates is proportional to my stress level.
IV: Stress level
DV: Number of blog updates in a week (or day)
Maybe I should apply what I've learnt and do an experiment on that and publish a personal thesis which would be of no great use to anyone, even myself.
I'm craving for donuts from Krispy Creme.
not.good.
i.have.no.calculator.
someone.slap.me.
although i'm fairly confident at the 5% significance level that they wouldn't ask any calculation (more like interpretation of results)... the thought of "what if" is making me paranoid.
i feel rather unprepared for two-oh-eight already. i don't need this extra worry.
strangely, i'm writing this with a calmness i don't know where i got from.
it's 3 am. back to stats.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
In the wee hours of the morning...
I was enlightened.
It finally sunk into my dense brain that my first exam is in 29 hours.
Exam, as in the biggest percentage of my grade that could pretty much put all the hard work during the semester to waste if things go badly.
A fresh wave of panic just hit me.
All this while I've been revising/cramming with an intense numbness (what an oxymoron) or fake calmness or pseudo-confidence.
The first few chapters of COM208 sound so foreign.
I feel kinda screwed.
Randomness
On Solitude
Sanity hovers around the cloud of silence.
My room, my refuge, a cloudy day
The conscience speaks,
Awareness sets in.
A frightening epiphany
that Life Simply Is.
My hands come to focus.
Mine. Each movement,a decision
They're mine.
A troubling question of what that means
My heart drums.
I'm scared and purposefully
indulge a distraction
Monday, April 13, 2009
Isa Pa! Isa pa! Isa pang Chicken Joy.
My thoughts have to stop revolving on food.
I'm gaining mass in the most unflattering way.
Now, do I get Subway or McDonalds?
P.S. COM202 is a joke. It just proves (in my case) that effort is inversely proportional to results in a lot of cases. Either that, or I'm really lucky.
I should stop being so complacent.
Please don't stop the music.
I miss my iPod badly.
I miss the random play of music, as I walk through the streets of Routine.
=(
I want to go to Beerfest Asia 2009. Not particularly for the beer, but because Vertical Horizon is performing.
I want holidays now.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I hate this inarticulateness
I'm insanely jealous of people who can translate their thoughts into calm, clear and flowing prose that is pleasant to read.
Mine's just a muddy, meandering river with gushing turbulent waters. I'm unclear, I circumnavigate around my point and controlled by bouts of randomness and restlessness.
Oh peace and clarity of thoughts, when will you ever dawn on me?
Because every time I try, it just ends up looking like a vile case of Trying Too Hard.
b.a.c.k. and quite screwed.
I'm back in Singapore and reality gave me such a tight slap on the face.
Failed to complete any studying - made some valiant attempts though.
So now, I have 3 days to salvage anything that is within my brain capacity - and willpower- to salvage. 3 freaking days. Make that 2 and a half.
208 and 223 on the same day. 202 the next day.
I will need some serious Red Bull help.
Penang was great: it still felt like home despite the changes.
My memory felt violated when I saw the new condo/mall being built ON the same grounds my school - International School of Penang (Uplands) - once stood on. It was quite depressing.
Our old apartment still stood there, and Nat! I saw your place and remembered all our Mee Goreng and overnight sessions and Regency where we had pool parties!
Bring me back to those carefree days please! =)
I parasailed, jetskiied, rode on a horse and pigged out to the max today.
I LOVE JETSKIING!!!
The adrenaline rush when you go on full speed and swerve left and right is like a drug - so addictive.
Ugh. I shouldn't be saying all this when I had all this fun at the expense of my revision.
I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for continuous assessments. At least they lighten the examination burden even by a bit.
It's easter tomorrow but I will go back to the island and mug my life away.
Last minute studying is what I've been doing all my student life- how different can this time be right?
I is bloody fat now it's ridiculous. I've stretched my stomach beyond it's usual capacity.
I swear that Char Kway Teow will be the death of me through clogging arteries.
Because deep down I know, I'll never mean as much.
Maybe that is why, I don't allow myself to fully trust.
So let's just maintain status quo.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Another one of those blogging breaks
This is my way of purposefully distracting myself. My roommate is playing BOF soundtrack. For weeks I dutifully woke up early on Tuesday and Wednesdays morning to watch the latest episode. I'm an incurable addict once I'm sucked in to the evil world of K-drama. The only good that came out of it was that (a) I was awake early in the morning and actually manage to get some studying done (b) Tuesdays and Wednesdays became so much more bearable with something to look forward to. I miss GJP! I remember watching the final episode with my roommate at 7 a.m. We went down to buy breakfast first then we were glued to our screens. Addict much?
Celebrated my brother's birthday last night. Had yummy Korean food and later Green Tea Ice Cream. I felt so bloated - and I do look bloated these days- but I was just happy to have spent time with my whole family. We're going to Penang tomorrow for 3 days! It's a premature vacation which may have consequences on my grades, but I don't really give a damn because it's rare that we're all together (except December, which doesn't count because we're all busy entertaining other people). I will come back twice my size (horizontally) with all the food I'm already planning to devour. I miss Penang. Life there was stress free. The only problems I had concerned petty friend fights (so childish, I know) and whether ...uhh...see I can't even remember. Despite all the mugging that I'm still planning to do their - mugging by the beach anyone?- I will still cut myself some slack and enjoy the trip!
BUT, there's still 2 big hurdles to conquer. Vile 208 quiz- which involves studying stats at 4am- and 202 project-which involves staying back later to finish the damned thing. I need to do well for this quiz after the shitty grade from the last quiz (which only appeared shitty in relation to monstrous scores). As for 202, it's still a mystery. I have no idea what I've learnt. I have no idea how I've been doing (Dear CK has not released any grades for the Quiz.). I have no idea how the exam will be like. He better say something useful later or I will throw a paperclip at him. Cower in fear. -_-
All the effort I put in for COM223 paid off. I thought he wouldn't like the individual assignment because it was so colourful but I guess, the layout per se was good enough for him. Despite all the last minute stress my partner (Shuxian) and I went through for AS4, in retrospect it was all worth it. We had our conflict over design aspects and concepts but we never fought over anything - although I admit there was one point where I got rather pissed but I just didn't show it. Then again, it probably doesn't matter because I easily get over my irritation over such petty things. It's over though! Next step, ace that damned exam. It'll be really good revision for GV11. :0
OASIS concert was quite an experience. I have a love-hate relationship with it. Love because the performance was truly awesome. Hate because the mosh pit experience was quite a fight for survival - which didn't allow me to fully appreciate the music. I've never felt so violated in my whole life - not that any of it was intentional. All the pushing, the swaying, the jumping with the sweaty masses was a mass orgy. To survive you just had to join in. It was nuts.Being small was an obvious disadvantage. At least there were some kind strangers around to helped in keeping me stable. Haha. And there was one incident which I still find strangely disturbing. The stupid crowd was 'swaying' backwards, and I nearly lost my balance, when a random guy behind me put his arms around my shoulder and said in a rather protective way "Don't worry, I'll keep you in my arms". That would have been romantic if it had been my boyfriend saying that but this? -_-
OKAY back to stupid 208. I've distracted myself for too long already.
So long in fact I feel like sleeping already. LOL
