Catharsis

I seriously don't feel like doing any schoolwork at all. Which is the opposite of what I should be feeling because the amount of work is piling up. I'm just so irritated, so frustrated, so sick of deadlines and the work that goes with it. Even though I'm usually easily distracted, this time, I'm actively looking for distractions.

I suddenly hate courses with continuous assessment AND exams. The way I see it, I feel the same amount of stress studying for an exam worth 80% and another worth 30% to 50%. Except, for the ones with exams worth only less than 50%, there are assignments/assessments worth 15% which add extra stress throughout the semester. At least if it's only based on the exam, then I can pace myself better without having to worry this week's horrible assignment to finish.

Moreover, the whole G.P.A. system is screwed up. It expects (and forces) people to attempt to be good at everything they do. One hideous grade in ONE or TWO fucking modules out of SIX will cause the overall grade to plummet down. It causes people to spread themselves so thin making them vulnerable to breaking down or snapping. That's why the S/U option should be AFTER the damn bloody exam when results are out. Yeah, people might call it an attempt to "erase" mistakes, but bloody hell, we ain't perfect, and a change in the S/U system might be the only consolation for the acknowledgment of the cruel reality of our own limitations. It's just one of those social structures that perpetuate the idea that we have to be good at everything we do.

Although it doesn't apply to me, I guess the same goes for those trying to get enough points to stay in hall. The more important position you take on in a CCA/club/society, the more points you get. However, at the same time, you get more responsibilities (work), performed at the expense of schoolwork, which simultaneously, you're attempting to be good at.

Sometimes I think the whole motto of "Work hard. Play hard." only applies to naturally smart people. What I mean by naturally smart people, are those with superb memories and are able to grasp ideas/concepts etc. quickly. How about those who need extra time to understand and retain things? Much of that 'extra time' needed will be at the expense of 'playing hard'. I know that everyone can understand anything as long as they try. But the reality is, some people have to try so much harder than others to achieve the same results.

The next 5 weeks or so culminating to the exams will be painful. Not only are there lots of CA there's revision for exams to include.
40 days left. Minus 3 days because I'm going to Penang for a compulsory family holiday Before my exams.

37 days. 37 days. 37 days. I need to get that into my head and start the adrenaline rush.
And PMS is the last thing I need.

Chasing Fireflies, Elusive Dreams

Life is a just one Deadline after another.

As much as I try to stay afloat, the strong currents are overwhelming.

And all I can do is put on a false bravado, a perky facade, be the usual Me.




Genuinely smiling becomes difficult when carrying a heavy heart.

It's a bit untimely, but...

Yesterday's events still seem surreal to me.
It was a rather shocking welcome back to school after the week long recess break.
Monday Blues indeed.

I know each of us have, at some point in time, harbored rather violent thoughts about certain professors when presented with a killer assignment/a ridiculously difficult test etc. I just never expected anyone to actually translate their thoughts into real life actions. (I'm merely speculating. No one knows and will ever know the true reason behind yesterday's incidents) We callously say things like "I could kill him for this!" but never really mean it. They're just colloquial figures of speech that we use to express the degree of our irritation or frustration, but we don't mean it in its literal way. But it's scary when expressions like "stabbed in the back" suddenly takes on its literal meaning.

News traveled fast.
About 5 minutes before the incident (specifically, the jump) occurred, we were walking back to SCI from canteen B. [I just cringe at the idea that if we had stalled longer there, queued up for my Bubble Tea or something, then we would have witnessed something tragic, traumatizing and scarring on our way back]
Then the incident occurred. The Buzz began. At first we thought it wasn't a serious commotion.
A few more minutes later, it was 'confirmed'. Professor stabbed, student commits suicide.
Seriously?
Bala's harping on the qualities that make up news echoed.
Human Interest, Impactful, Timeliness, Prominence, Uniqueness, Proximity. [Isn't it an exciting and relevant time to be doing COM204 now?]

Human Interest, Check. It's violent, it's suicide, it's tragic. Drama.

Impactful, Check. Attack was by a fellow student. In my own university. How can it not impact us?

Timeliness, Check. CNA already had the writing up like 40 minutes after the whole thing. [and to think we (myself at least) took DAYS to write our first COM204 Assignment]

Prominence, Check. It's NTU. Nuff' said.

Uniqueness, Check. I think this is the first case in Singapore. It does echo the Virginia Tech or Columbine Shooting incidents. Thank God, guns are illegal.

Proximity, Check. The fact that it happened like less than 100 meters away, at the 'shortcut' we always use, is disturbing. That route will never be the same again knowing that blood once trailed the pathway and a senseless death occurred there.

I guess people do snap at some point in time. In today's cut throat world, it's easy to understand why.

Now, I'm insanely curious about what the Professor has to say.


My condolences to the family and friends of the guy and the professor. May God see them through this difficult time

failed attempt at a haiku

dark grey clouds hover
above me, around me, I
see Uncertainty,

A very long entry

Recess Week is nearly ending and I haven't accomplished anything that I can be proud of.
I've been slacking (academically) since last Thursday till today. That's one whole week of failed attempts to study and play catch up. At the rate I'm going, everything I do will end up a 'failure' anyway because my expectations are too high and my plans highly ambitious. So whatever I do, will always fall short of what should have been done.

To my consolation, it (pseudo-holidays) was not a complete failure. I did manage to work on our group speech for 205. I managed to catch up on 5 weeks worth of COM202 (i.e. actually internalize the lecture slides). I managed to drag myself back to NTU to take my forgotten History notes today. Okay, the last statement is not a great achievement in itself, but is the first step towards achieving the almost-impossible goal of: internalizing those vile readings.
[I really don't know if I can manage this module and I'm severely tempted to S/U it, but the thing with me is that I'll most probably expend the same effort and time studying for the module regardless of whether I S/U it or not. So here I go again, gambling away my G.P.A. because of my pride and my incessant albeit unnecessary need to prove to myself that I can do it]

Time is once again moving so quickly. Where does it all go?

Last Thursday was spent performing the traditional dance at the International Culture and Travel Fair, going to ICA to submit my PR application and watching "He's Just Not That Into You" with the Pinoys. I remember coming back to hall at 1, being unable to sleep and watching the sappy movie "One More Chance" (John Lloyd and Bea Alonzo). As expected I skipped the morning lecture at 9am. I don't even remember what I did on Friday when I came back home.

Saturday was spent hanging out with Aishah and later Farhana for a failed 'tourist' outing which eventually turned into a fun post-birthday celebration. Thanks girls! It was a highly relaxing day.
Sunday was spent going to church then going to Rena's house for a sleepover / post birthday (for me) and pre birthday(for Rena) celebration with my Sushi Gang. I love the cake, the very touching and sentimental present and of course the company. I miss those simple days when we used to see each other in school, whine about A levels and talk about the most ridiculous things. Somehow, the whole transient nature of university still leaves me cold. That, or I haven't made enough effort to put myself out there. (I must admit that even though I'm still rather bubbly and perfectly fine with meeting people, I don't put in as much effort as I used to anymore. It's like I'm tired always being the first one to reach out.)

I continued slacking on Monday. The weather was of no help. I read my library book on philosophy and entertained myself with Jessica Zafra's witty writing. How I wish I could write like her. Tuesday was spent with COM205 group meeting which turned out to be the only productive thing I did this week. Since we're the very first ones up (and I'm the first speaker up), we need to sort it out quickly. Oh shit, there's still my individual speech to worry about.
Watched Slumdog Millionaire with Rohan after. The movie was brilliant and worth all the hype. Go and watch it. We had a nice long chat after and it made me think about a lot of things.
It made me think that I should not think about things too much. Hahaha. I am in urgent need of a paradigm shift if I want my life to go anywhere.

I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. The philosophy book I'm reading is a big help. I just know that I need to settle all these inner conflict. I need to make decisions. I need to figure things out by myself. I need to define things. Define my 'problems', because that's the first step to solving them.

I don't know why but the past few days or week, I've been carrying a heavy heart, a hazy conscience, a restless soul. I've always had, one way or the other, but this time, the emotions were more acutely felt. Talking to people did alleviate the heavy feeling but ultimately, I know it's all up to me.

Lent has begun. It was Ash Wednesday yesterday. To be perfectly honest, Lent has never really meant much to me. I don't fast. I don't abstain. I don't make the effort to understand what it's truly about that's why I don't believe. But this time, I'm going to make the next 40 days a little different. I'm going to try. I won't promise anything concrete, but I will try to inject some meaning into this, not because I should but because I truly want to.

Something unexpected happened during Mass celebrating Ash Wednesday. My brother's friend, who I barely know, and looked a lot like someone gave me a friendly hug as he wished me "peace be with you". In mass, there's a part where we say "Peace be with you" to each other. I usually hug my parents and my aunt, say "peace" cooly to my brothers, hug church friends if they happen to be there, and shake hands with strangers. But yesterday, my parents were seated inside the church while my brother and I were standing outside. My brother's friend came over to us. As with most of my brother's friend, I know their faces and acknowledge them with a cool nod and a smile when we see each other. So when he came over and gave me a hug at that part of the mass, I wasn't expecting it at all. I was very ready to shake his hand. He probably didn't find it awkward because he does it to all his friends, including my brother. Even my brother hugs his friends (boys and girls). The thing is, I don't even hug my brother for goodness sakes. And I don't generally do hugs. Unless you hug me first then I'll hug back. I don't even hug my closest friends. The only times I give hugs is when the person is depressed, leaving for another country or when I haven't seen the person for so long.
So my point is, it was strangely awkward. But it was also strangely comforting because there was no malice in it, and there was genuine sincerity in what he said. After mass, I got into a discussion with my brother about global issues and religion and I realized that even though I disregard my brother's opinion and faith, I do have some stuff to learn from him.

Anyway, that's enough verbal diarrhea for the day. I shall wake up early tomorrow to swim.
I will reach the place before the Clan of Ah Gongs congregate!

If only I was this verbose for COM202. Oh screw it.

When will I learn?

Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating sayo


Sometimes, I simply get carried away.

Pieces of Me

I, of all people, should understand the transient nature of things.

Abrupt endings. Goodbyes or lack thereof.

Fragile invisible strings that connect.

I should be used to it now.

Yet I'm not.



Everytime you walk away, you runaway, you take away a piece of me with you.

Sometimes I feel like many little pieces of me are scattered all over.

But maybe that's better, than being completely whole yet cold.

Ain't A Teen No More

I'm now a young twenty something.

Oh screw labels.

Even though it didn't feel like a birthday (I postponed celebrations. Assignments are such party poopers.), all the greetings still cheered me up a lot.

THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL - one way or the other-

It's 4 AM. We FINALLY finished our History Essay. I officially hate the professor.



How come you didn't remember?

And I'm Not Even Pmsing.

I hate the fact that I'm feeling the way.

Lifeless..Numb.Lost.

I hate the fact that I'm being so unproductive.

Procrastination. Disinterest. Saturated.

I hate the fact that I don't contribute to discussion actively.

Unprepared.Ignorant.Inarticulate.

I hate the fact that my confidence has plummeted drastically.

Insecurities.Directionless.Faithless.

I hate the number 202, and it's not even Maths.

I feel extremely stupid whenever I enter that classroom.

HH202, you're not good for my ego.

Well, I don't believe I'm stupid. I am just so hopelessly unprepared.
The readings are as exciting as COM202 lectures.
And what do I do when presented with boring lectures? I skip it.

202

I've never hated a number so much in my life.