Darlings

I just felt like posting these up! =)

The two darlings I can't live without. Haha

You know I love you both!

<3val

listing again

I'm finding writing in continuous prose to be a troublesome and inefficient process. The amount of redundancies increases in each paragraph and I end up circumnavigating around my original thought. It just reflects the very disorganized way I go through thoughts in my mind. So for now, until I learn how to organize my thoughts and write succinctly, I will making use of lists.

On Friday's shopping trip:

1. I bought clothes I don't normally wear. I just felt a need to experiment and try new styles; styles which may or not suit me (according to other people) but I don't really care because I like what I got.

2. Shopping is actually tiring. Trying clothes on is tiring.

3. I finally understand what Rena meant when she said she finds shopping for clothes that fit her, an arduous task. 

4. An ATM/Debit card is a double edge sword. I applaud the convenience it gives but that same convenience allows me to conveniently purchase things with less guilt than paying with cold hard cash.

5. I still haven't found nice shoes! 

On Friday's tutoring session:

1. I notice progress! The little kid is using more English words. =) I'm happy. 

2. Pillow fights with kids are extremely fun. I felt like a 7 year old again.

3. I'm becoming quite attached to the whole family. =S I like how they don't treat me just as a tutor who comes and goes. The children treat me like their jie jie. They even tell me their secrets. The mother trusts me and is really very nice. The grandmother thinks I'm cute (hahaha) and I conversely told her I thought she was cute too (she really is! hahaha). They always offer me delicious food (snack and even dinner). It's just so comfortable. If they were my neighbors, I probably wouldn't mind doing it for free. But I have to travel a long way to get there so I guess getting paid, to me, is more of a compensation for the time and effort it takes to get there than the actual tutoring (which is sometimes frustrating but most of the time very enjoyable).  Now I know what they mean by "Find a job you'll love so that you'll never have to work for a day". I'll definitely continue during university and I'd hate it when the day comes when circumstances will force me end it. So I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

On Uni matters:

1. I can't decide whether I should I try out living in a hostel. On one hand I'd like to have the whole hostel experience but I'm reasoning that staying at home is actually more convenient. But I find staying at home rather suffocating. My parents can be supremely irritating about little every day things ( They sometimes forgot I'm 19 years old) and I need to get away from all of that. Will staying in hall actually save me time and money? Hmm. I'm confused. Every new thing seems to be demanding my attention in I have to make decisions in one go. 

2. Sometimes I do wonder if Communication Studies is for me. I'm at a complete loss at the direction this decision is going. It was always my childhood ambition to be a journalist like Maria Resa of CNN. I wanted to write. I wanted to do expose stories and documentaries that would induce strong reactions. I've also wanted to make ads that were thought provoking and original. And I've had little fantasies of becoming a radio deejay. And I'd really want to be involved in a film production at least once in my life. The thing is I know I've had opportunities to pursue this interests and translate them into actual skills (instead of them remaining as mere intentions) even before entering the university. I could have attended workshops to improve my writing. I could have learnt video production on my own. I could have submitted works online to be critiqued or in contests to be judge. But they all remain as mere I-want-to thoughts in my head because I always lacked the confidence to try and realize these wants. And even when I've mustered enough confidence, I stumble because I lack the discipline. I just keep feeling that I do not have enough talent to achieve what I want. And I'm always distracted about so many things. I want to do so many things I end up doing none. I'm in desperate need of priorities and organisation in my life. Both my mind and heart are all over the place. Someone teach me how to focus.

On Saturday's Outing:

1. Happy (belated as I write this) Birthday Yong Jun! =) We-missed-you-a-lot-that-is-why-we-really-wanted-to-hang-out-with-you-on-your-birthday-and-you've-become-man-lier-really. =P

2. I had spicy cha shu ramen at that Jap resto at Taka basement. Very nice! It reminded me of Char Siew (a.k.a. Andrew ) though. Haha. Come to think of it, I actually miss my SFMS guy friends. 

3. I hoped you guys liked the place we went too! =) It's the perfect place for heart to heart sessions. Hehe. 

4. We'll always be hear to listen to you ok? But I do hope you don't do anything rash. 

Although I don't completely understand your logic (or lack thereof, hehe) I'd be the last one to judge you. 

How many friendships can one heart maintain before it becomes emotionally straining or compromising? How many people can you trust enough to be your truest self to?

What does becoming an adult mean? Does that mean finally conforming to society's expectations of you because you're finally aware that your actions have real consequences, consequences you, and not your parents, have to bear with? Or does it mean finally being old enough to go on your own and say "screw society's views" because you're now strong enough to choose your own path and take responsibility of whatever you choose to do? Whoever came up with the idea that by turning 18 we magically mature into adults anyway? At what point do  people start knowing they're adults. Why do we need these classifications in the first place? I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.

All that I am

All that I have

I lay them down 

Before You O Lord

All my regrets

All my acclaims

The joy and the pain

I'm making them yours

Lord I offer my life to You

Everything I've been through

Use it for Your glory

Lord I offer my days to You

Lifting my praise to you

As a pleasing sacrifice

Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past

Things yet unseen

Wishes and dreams 

That are yet to come true

All of my hopes

All of my plans

My heart and my hands 

I lift them to you

What can we give that You have not given?

And what do we have that is not already Yours?

All we possess is this life that we're given,

And that's what we'll give to you Lord.

<3>

10 Random Notes

1. I'm blogging using my new MacBook! =) The reason behind the switch? I simply wanted a change from the usual laptop and so far, I'm liking it. I do have a few gripes about it though. For one, I can't install my Nokia PC suite due to its incompatibility. The same goes for my (fake) Photoshop CD. This means I have to fork out big bucks to buy Adobe Creative Suite 3. Sigh. And unlike the prevalent Vista run laptops, Mac does not come with Microsoft Office. I don't know whether I should get iWork (Mac's version of Office) or Microsoft Office Student Edition. I lean towards iWork because it seems cooler. Mac's equivalent to powerpoint is so much more sleeker (Think: Al Gore's presentations in The Incovenient Truth) and the general feedback has been really good. I'm just scared that most school files will be in Office form and that I'll end up with compatibility issues. iWork is also way cheaper. Then again, I can probably get the latter for even cheaper thanks to my mother's connections. =) I shall do more research before I buy anything. But if there are any Mac users who read my blog, your opinion please? (I don't expect much response. Hehe.)

My new baby. And yes I got the white one of course.

2. I'm impressed by the CS FOC organizers. Instead of just sending in another brochure along with the dozens of other FOC brochures that came with the NTU FOC package, they personally delivered it to us.  Yes. They actually drove around Singapore delivering the packages. It's rather gimmicky but I'm sure each of us Freshmen (I feel weird calling addressing myself as a Freshman. I'm still in denial) appreciate the sincere effort. Thanks for making us feel *extra* special. Hehe. In fact, that may be one of the deciding factors as to why I actually want to go. I could have gone back to Philippines for that week but I figured, Philippines will always be there but this comes only once and it might actually be fun. And to be perfectly honest, I have a phobia of camps based on personal experience in JC. If it weren't for that few lasting friends I made, I would have gladly skipped the whole thing if given the chance. It's not that I'm anti social, quite the contrary actually as everyone who knows me would say. I guess the whole thing came off as very fake for me. We had OGL's writing different permutations of "friends forever" which you realize is complete BS once school starts. And the cheering was just painful. I quote what I wrote post-orientation 2 years ago.

Oh I don't mind cheering. In fact cheering is pretty fun at times. It makes you feel like part of them and it gives you an excuse to scream your lungs out. But...cheering every 5 fucking minutes is a whole lot different story. We probably cheered a hundred times a day...or maybe more! It affected me so much that I couldn't really sleep on the first night because I kept hearing the cheers in my mind and expected them to just suddenly break out cheering. Freaky nonsense I tell you. And having cheers about chihuahas and even batman makes it a whole lot worse.

And one more word: SQUEEZE. Need I say more?

After 3 years in SFMS, JJ orientation was a severe culture shock.

3. There's a gigantic bruise on my mid-thigh. It's diameter measures approximately 3.5 cm. This unfortunate accident happened last night. Here's the tragic tale. I alighted the bus, lost my balance, wobbled a few steps forward and hit my thigh against the corner of the concrete waiting seats. As to how that's even possible, only Kami-sama knows. My clumsiness is tragic. I half-trip when I'm walking (either I miss a step or for some inexplicable reason I lose my balance. Inexplicable because I'm short and I should be theoretically very stable). I bump into corners of bed posts, tables and any furniture with a sharp corner... again and again. I even bumped my elbow against the door while walking out of my room just 2 minutes ago. =S

4. Two weeks ago I was happily unemployed and now, I'm happily employed. Either way I'm happy. I'm currently tutoring 3 Korean kids English. They are just too cute. The youngest is 6 and is the toughest to teach. His attention span is about 5 seconds and he barely understands much less speaks English. He is obsessed with cars and anything with wheels and that is the weakness I tap on during lessons. I have to bribe him with car stickers to get him to read. I think it's working and I've seen progress. In the beginning, I felt very frustrated, because nothing I said or did seemed to work. And then I realized that I was expecting and forcing too much on him. I have to keep reminding myself that English to him is like Chinese to me:something totally alien and must be approached slowly and with caution. His name is Hyung Jun which sounds eerily like Yong Jun. His sister, 9 years old is really cute too. She redefines motormouth. She's not only talkative in Korean, in fact, she's more talkative in English. Every time I stay back to talk to them, she dominates the conversation. Either repeatedly exclaiming that spicy Korean ramen is very delicious or telling me a story about a funny incident in school. The childlike enthusiasm and innocence is refreshing and inspiring. It helps me relax and be a kid again, something I'm starting to forget as I become older and more cynical. So I made a promise to myself that I will be more optimistic and positive about my life. =) The oldest kid, 10 years old, is chubby cute! He's the most well behaved and is relatively the easiest to teach. He's a sweet kid and you can see that he really tries even if he finds it so difficult. It was his birthday on Monday and I was actually very happy they liked me enough to let me join in the celebration. I got to eat the nice tiramisu cake, cherries, and ferrero roche. =) I'm really lucky because they treat me really well. The sweet and very cute grandma always offers me food! Every conversation with her is an episode of Lost in Translation. She'll talk to me in Korean and I'll talk to her in English. When all else fails, we communicate in what would looks like charades. Then we laugh. I desperately need to learn Korean properly. 

5. I ended up hastily submitting an ugly picture for the Matriculation Card. Sigh. Procrastination got the better of me. O well. I had to tie up my hair (and reveal my chubby cheeks) because my hair chose to rebel on that fateful day. That card will be under high security for the next four next years, carefully kept away from privy eyes. I've also had my Medical Checkup last Wednesday and I found out that the weighing machine at home has been a such a liar, deceitfully adding an extra 3 kg to my actual weight. And all this while I've been rather depressed about the supposedly huge amount of Holiday weight I gained when in fact I only gained about 2 kg. Humph. But the fact remains that I desperately need to lose this unsightly blubber. I always become fatter at all the wrong places anyway. So the goal now is to tone down at the right places, if you know what I mean. =)

6. The other night's dream rattled me. Why him? I admit, I've wondered how he's been doing since we last talked more than a year ago. It's not that I feel anything for him now. When I look back on it, it was all just a case of wrong timing. Then I wondered, even if the timing was right, would I have said yes to him? Would I have faced all that judgment for him? I really don't know. In the dream I was at my most vulnerable yet I was accepted, all my faults and weaknesses and I was happy. The absence of a love life must be causing these strange dreams. I'd like to keep the past in the past. 

7. I'm in love with the song Taiyou no Uta and I've been practicing it on guitar. I'm still not there yet, but it sounds decent enough. Here's the youtube video. 

 

 

Here's a nice duet. I love the way they harmonize.

8.  I really don't want to think too much on it because I believe our friendship should rise above such pettiness. But sometimes I can't help but doubt, not because I don't trust you but because I don't trust myself. I should stop thinking so much and just go with the flow. 

9. As mentioned in Amanda's blog, it is rather paradoxical that we end up blogging less now that we have more time. I'm very guilty of that. I had grand plans of updating regularly but it somehow doesn't just happen. Reasons vary from lack of inspiration to sheer laziness to having absolutely nothing interesting to say. 

10. I'm scared I'm slowly becoming an apathetic person. My growing indifference is disturbing (note the contradiction). I may have all these idealistic thoughts but they remain just that, thoughts. Have I really become one of those self-centered youths the media always portray us to be? Is it wrong to try to figure out what I want first before caring about other people? Where do I draw the line?

When words run wild and free

Thoughts. Thoughts.
More and More Thoughts.
Rushing. Gushing. Images overflowing.
I need a destination.
Stop.
Tell me where it all leads.
Tell me what it all means.

Words. Words.
More and More Words.
Tumbling.Stumbling. Letters mismatching.
A Meandering Prose.
Poetry.
of a thousand Verses.
of a random erratic rhythm.

Voices. Voices.
More and More Voices.
Shouting. Whispering. Reason debating.
Tugging the heart to opposite poles
Silence.
Deafening calming silence
Be my restless soul's refuge.

Go Figure

t.H.i.s

iS

hOw

i

FeeL

riGHt

now.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

*WARNING*
*PMSey rant ahead*

My brother is to blame for my lack of updates.
He's been shamelessly hogging the computer for his own selfish reasons.
His own stupidity led to the destruction of his laptop
( which is undergoing an expensive repair right now)
yet I have to suffer the consequences of him not having a laptop.
I am a reasonable person. I understand that he needs the computer to do his homework.
I have no qualms about sharing the computer even if it means cutting into my time as long as there's a legitimate reason.
But what I get fucking pissed about is when he uses 95% of his computer time playing games and when I announce to him that I'll be needing the computer in an hour ( One fucking hour should be more than enough as a buffer time), he'll mumble something incomprehensible, keep playing for the next 55 minutes, then finally spend the last 5 minutes starting on something he should have finished 6 hours ago.
When it's time for me to use the computer, he'll be fronting a facade of seriousness, pretending to be extremely busy with something supposedly extremely important and insisting for a time extension. Even if I accuse him of being inconsiderate and tell him to scram, he'll have the most irritating arrogant expression stuck on his shit face like an ugly stain I'd like to bleach of with extra concentrated chlorine water followed by a healthy dose of concentrated sulphuric acid.
Yes I'm fuming. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
I seriously loathe that arrogant, condescending and disrespectful look of his. The number of times he sports that look is directly proportional to the time spent studying in that elite school.
The longer he stays there, the bigger an arrogant shithead he becomes.
And it seriously doesn't help that I'm PMSing at optimum level, the time where the average irritation has a high tendency of evolving into full blown fury.

*official rant over*

The stupid thing is, when I'm angry, I start crying.
Really stupid I know. But I can't help it.
My system was not designed to be the scary loud type of angry.
Instead I'll remain quiet, ignore your presence and scheme up of evil things to do to you.
My imagination scares me sometimes. I read too many violent books.
Out by Natsuo Kirino and The Art of Murder by Jose Carlos Somoza are just a few examples.
But for the record, those are works of geniuses and make a highly stimulating and enlightening read. =)

******************************************

I hung out with my darling today.
After accompanying her to NUS to submit forms, we headed over to her place for lunch.
I swear she's one person who'll suffer from extreme depression once taxis cease to exist.
(Admit it Nat. Haha.)
We decided to cook our lunch and settled for the sinful pasta carbonara.
Obviously we did not make it from scratch-
I've tried it before but the end result was unsatisfactory-
and so we bought the ready made sauce.
We added bacon, sausages and mushrooms, a far cry from your Pasta Mania version of Carbonara.
It's our tastier, more sinful and more filling version of homemade pasta. =)
It was quite good in fact.
We spent the rest of the day...slacking.
Watched a movie called "Accepted".
A hilarious show about college rejects who form their own college.
It was rather...inspiring
(the whole education-is-to-inspire-and-bring-out-the-passion-and-creativity argument)
but at the same time one can't help but feel gloomy
by the painful realization that education here in Singapore
takes a more pragmatic and serious approach,
an approach which tends to stifle creativity and passion for learning and
instead ingrains in us from very young that those
letters (a.k.a. grades) = good job=good pay=good life.
Spent the rest of the day downloading music, talking, going around the nearby mall, eating prata and lamenting about our expanding cheeks at the same time.
Our laziness and piggy-ness put together is a force to reckon with.

That only leads to one conclusion: Valerie is officially a balyena. ( A blubberous whale)
*insert shrill cry of pained horror here*
I felt so guilty a while ago, I forced myself to go for a run/jog and felt a whole lot better showering off all that sweat. Haha.
I swear this time, upon my piggybank, that I'll pay attention to what I eat and only indulge occasionally. I shall not stuff my mouth with every sweet/creamy/delicious food I set my taste buds on. My gastronomical cravings will be curbed and disciplined.
=)
Pray for me.
Haha.


I'll continue my verbose prose later.
Good night.

Sigh

Here I go again...unable to express my thoughts.


Sigh.

The Case of the Cream Puff Craving

When it comes to food, I have absolutely zero will power. It's quite sad,really.
Once I have a craving, it'll gnaw on my guts persistently and I simply succumb to it, without much of a fight hence ruining my grand plans of slimming down. Sigh.
Current enemy? Cream puffs.
The moment I took my first bite on those Beard Papa's Fresh'n Natural Cream Puffs, I was hooked.

It looks like a huge mouth spewing tartar sauce.

It's not exactly the most appetizing when it comes to presentation which is probably the reason why I took so long to even give it a try. I thought their gimmicky claim of being the "world's best cream puff" was rather pompous and I merely smirked at its fallacious marketing campaign. But I guess they had the last laugh because I, the customer whose logic is dominated by her taste buds, am willing to pay $2.20 for that little piece of goodness. $2.20 may seem like a small amount but once these cravings become stronger and more frequent, "puff" goes my money.

I've decided on a battle plan. I shall indulge myself so frequently that in time, I'll be impartial to it. I'll wake up one day without the delicious image of cream puffs floating in my head. But of course I know absolutely well that I'm only deluding myself, and using the guise of the "battle plan" as an excuse (i.e desperate justification) to eat all I want without the guilt gnawing on my guts at the same time. I'll simply have to believe in one of my mottoes "One life, eat it".

When I related these cravings to a friend, a "maybe you're pregnant" is what I got. -___-
I certainly am not (I have no love life, no social life and I'm not asexual) but that got me thinking. If I have such cravings now, I'll be a total wreck when I'm pregnant (if ever *the thought simply scares me*). My mom used to tell me that when she was pregnant she'll have weird cravings for certain fruits like raw papaya and mango and even fattening food like KFC and pizza hut (which clearly explains why I was such a baby balyena [Filipino word for whale] ). Oh gosh, I can imagine it now. The scenario? Me demanding I be fed cream puff, specifically that cream puff (while I'm all puffed up) and my ever obliging husband(he better be, he's half to blame) scrambling to the nearest Beard Papa shop to get me a dozen of 'em. Hmm, maybe it won't be so bad, as long as I'm lucky enough to snag an ever obliging husband that is. =P

It's 3.30 AM and
I'm still thinking of that cream puff.

Hai Naku.

Tuesday's If...

Taken from Tuesday If's
If you could change 5 things about your past what would they be and why?

I would have...

1. Plodded on with Piano : Because starting again when one has become rusty is a frustrating hurdle.
2. Learnt a foreign language seriously: Because if I did, I should have been relatively proficient by now. *thinks about all the time wasted* damn.
3. Told people how I really felt : Because on those occasions I lied to people, in the end I realized that I was only lying to myself.
4. Started saving and investing money earlier : Because I simply regret not starting earlier.
5. Not been such a bitch to her : Because that was an ugly side of me I don't want to remember.

**********************************

I've always liked reading my daily horoscope and I do so almost religiously. It's embarrassingly superficial but I confess that it us one of the first things I read when I pick up the newspaper. Although I don't seriously believe in it, I am still somewhat amazed by its "coincidental" accuracy. Occasionally I would tend towards the superficial side and follow it but most of the times I would forget it 10 seconds after reading. I know that the trick of horoscopes is to make it as vague as possible so that most people can fit their events of the day into what their horoscope says. I also find myself remembering my day's horoscope whenever I'm in a situation that echoes what it said. It thus acts like a warning system of some sort.So with that mouthful said, I regret not reading my horoscope for today.
It said,

" Do not trust that ATM receipt today. Facts and figures are fare more fluid than usual and you may accidentally overdraw your account. Go frugal for the time being and you will not be sorry."

If I had read it earlier, I would not have given in to temptation and spent a regrettable sum of money on unnecessary purchases. Damn. I shall not spend money (except for groceries) till my parents come back. It's house arrest for me. This time I promise to accomplish what I had set out to do (which is a long list of tasks)

*********************************
Bus ride Notes #1:
(When long bus rides puts me into a pensive mood)

What does it mean to live life to the fullest?
Does it mean filling every minute of your life doing the things you want to do or the things you need to do?
Does a fulfilling life equate to achieving a set of expectations society has set on you or even the expectations you have imposed on yourself?
Or does it mean reaching the zenith of your potential, the potential others see in you and hope you maximize, the potential you yourself are unaware about.
Does it mean living for yourself, simply acting on what would benefit you the most?
Or does it mean caring about other people, assuming their burden as your own with dreams of healing the world in your own little way.

**************************

jaa ne!

The Longest First Entry

Adieu blogdrive! Hello blogspot!

Reasons for change:

1. I've always hated the fact that I can't archive my posts properly using
blogdrive.

Using the calendar to view past entries is excessively irritating.
2. The blogging functions and options are better at blogspot. Blogdrive became a
a tad bit too manual when performing certain tasks, like resizing photos and
editing the template.
3. Why am I explaining myself to you?

On a more interesting note, here's an update on my oh-so-interesting life.
It's been ages since I last blogged (publicly that is...) so here's a summary.(an extremely verbose one at that)

1. I was accepted to all my first choices at the local universities: NUS FASS (sociology), NTUWKWSCI(communication studies) and SMU LKCBS(business management). As you may have noticed, I did not even consider any sciences. After all, 4 more years of studying the golgi apparatus and the importance of the Sn2 mechanism spells suicide for me. I blogged about my university dilemma earlier and I'll post it here.

It's been a long journey, full of many ups and even more downs.
It was a path filled with self doubt and frustration but in the end, I surprised myself.
Yes, I was scared to believe I could do it in case I couldn't.
So I harbored thoughts of incompetency and created a plethora of excuses for complacency.
I lowered my expectations but hoped against hope for the best.
I gave it my best, given the circumstances.
In retrospect, I now find myself not regretting things I used to regret.
Because now I know what those experiences have taught me. A little late yeah, but I still learned the lessons.

I've gotten my first choices for all my applications.
To be perfectly honest, this has increased my self esteem by a notch or two.
At least now I can truly say to myself that I'm worth it.
Now I can truly believe in my capabilities.
I entered SFMS because I had no choice. No local school wanted to accept me.
I entered JJC because I had no choice. My O level results were not good enough for my choice JC.

Now I will enter university, provided with three choices. Choices brought about by my own merit and hard work. MY choices. Not choices brought about by unfortunate circumstances.
I won't be entering a course I don't fancy simply because I have no choice.
I won't be forced to go to only a certain university because it's my only available choice.

I've gone this far. I should be, for once in my life, be truly proud of my achievement.

Now Lord, I leave it to You.
I've tried my best and I will continue giving my best.
Just to what...I still am not sure.
So give me a sign

So after 2 weeks of grueling internal debates , advice from people I trust, daily prayers asking for help in making a decision and what seemed like perpetual confusion I finally chose NTU WKWSCI communication studies. It was a difficult decision simply because it's the first time I made my own decision about something important in my life. As said in the blog entry, I've pretty much had my whole life dictated by circumstances that lead to having not much choice and I accepted it and was comfortable with it even. So when things didn't go well, I never took responsibility. Now if I ever come to hate this course and school (God forbid), it'll be all my fault. That realization motivates me to give my 100% in everything I do and simply make the most of what I've been blessed with.

It's funny because it should have been an easy decision. After the stressful CS interview, I had thought "Damn.It's over.I won't get it." and when I think back on that day, I remember feeling dejected while wearing a semi-confident facade. So I psyched myself up for NUS FASS after successfully convincing myself that I was going to be rejected (talk about poor self esteem. haha). And one fine day, I got my letter of acceptance from NTU. And I became confused. Then when my parents started talking about practicality and employability, I was swayed towards SMU. It was a "good" dilemma but a dilemma nonetheless.
I finally came to a decision and I'm going to stick to it no matter what.
I believe that whichever university I chose would have been the "right" choice anyway. Only God knows what the future holds and I'm truly grateful to God for giving me this opportunity.


2. I'm currently unemployed. Quite happily unemployed I must say. I quit waitressing before my 19th birthday. I just hated the fact that I had to work on Saturdays, the late shifts, the strict environment and most importantly, the manager wouldn't give me a day off on my birthday and the day after my birthday; a Friday and a Saturday. Haha. I chose not to be miserable because of work. There were fun moments but at that time, also strangely emotionally draining. In fact I didn't mind the physical work (although the scars from the blisters I got are my eternal souvenirs). I guess what I experienced was far from what I expected it to be. The only person I truly miss from that place is Da Wang, the big friendly chef. Although his English was as terrible as my Chinese, we still managed to communicate.

Strangely enough, I don't have a picture with Rena.

I tried looking for other jobs later on, only because I wanted to save up for my new Zealand trip that failed to materialize. So now I have no motivation to force myself to work. And the fact that I'm on dependent pass, unable to speak Chinese and inexperienced greatly narrows my choice of jobs. Believe me I've called up a lot of numbers from the straight times ads only to be told "I'm sorry, we're only looking for Singaporeans or PR's." When I finally get one that would consider DP, they require at least 3 months commitment. I'm too restless to commit. Hehe.

After 2 years of being deprived of guiltless free time, I'm thoroughly enjoying every moment now before university starts because I know that once school starts, it's another non stop 4 year roller coaster ride. Yes there will be breaks but it won't be the kind of break where I can just read a novel, watch dramas, lie around and do nothing without something school related at the back of my mind.

I've been watching a lot of Japanese dramas lately. I like it better than Korean dramas because it's shorter and more touching. The story telling is really good and Japanese script writers have an unbelievable talent of embedding so much meaning in what we would normally view as ordinary objects, be it an eraser or a button. The cinematography is really good too. And not forgetting the most important thing: the hot guys. I'm still a teenager so I have the right to swoon over whichever J pop idol/actor I want and be a bimbotic fan.

Japanese Dramas

1. Gokusen 1 & 2
2. Hana Kimi
3. Hana Yori Dango 1 & 2
4. Hotaru no Hikari
5. Kurosagi
6. Nobuta wo Produce
7. Proposal Daisakusen
8. Tatta Hitotsu no Koi
9. Kimi wa no Petto

Japanese movies

1. Virgin Snow
2. Boku wa Imouto ni Koi wo suru

And now I'm watching:

1. Zettai Kareshi
2. Last Friends

Korean dramas

1. 9 end 2 outs
2. My girl
3. Coffee Prince

Korean movies

1. 200 pounds beauty
2. My boyfriend is type B
3. Seducing Mr. Perfect

Right now, I think I've reached saturation point. Hence I'm not actively searching for the next interesting drama to watch. The only one I'm hooked to is "Last Friends" which is ongoing in Japan every Thursday. The version with English subtitles comes like 5 days later, to much of my misery. =(

I've also been addicted to the band KAT TUN. I just love a lot of their songs especially "Someday for Somebody" sung by Kamenashi Kazuya. He's my new love. Actually I'm torn between him and Yamashita Tomohisa (Yamapi). My verdict? Yamapi is cuter. Kame is more talented. I've also been watching CARTOON KAT TUN ! The guests are hilarious and highly interesting! One guest ate like 100+ sushi (the one with raw tuna I think) non stop! One actress has a fetish for protruding belly!

guys in pink look hot too

My favourite music video and song from Proposal Daisakusen.

3. No my dears, I haven't only been watching drama. I've been reading novels too! Mostly by Haruki Murakami and Paolo Coelho. I still have a ridiculously long list of books to read! I've read some of the many random "self help" books my brother has. On life, on success, on spirituality. For a couple of weeks I had intensively researched on New Zealand just to find it all go to waste. I'm attempting to relearn piano too. But what I've been pretty engrossed with these days is beaded jewellery. =) Yes, I'll show you some of my creations later on. They're not half bad ok!

4. As to why I haven't been blogging in a long time...well...I simply did not feel like it. I did write some entries, some rather private so I refused to post it. Then there's the verbal constipation. I'm also the type to be too preoccupied with details like the aesthetics of my blog. If I don't like the look of my blog, I'll try to do something about that first rather than deal with the content. In addition my mind was too muddled with so many thoughts, I simply wasn't able to organize them. I once wrote,

It's been a really long time since I blogged a proper entry. I find laying down my thoughts in the open an unfamiliar and difficult process. For a long time, I couldn't find the right words to translate these muddled thoughts and feelings. Let's just call it a severe case of verbal constipation. A more frustrating experience that of the cliche known as writer's block.

Blogging has suddenly become an unfamiliar task to me. It's unsettling that it takes me almost half an hour to even get these first few words down. This is nuts. The irony is that I have enough material to fill a dozen of entries yet I produce not one. Thus the new blog name: tumbled thoughts. Fits me no? My thoughts are in a disarray, random and erratic. Cherished memories are saved at the top of my head with a realization that these too, will fade, and will be filtered to a basic image and feeling, devoid of details that might have meant so much more. Questions simply keep popping up, most of which I cannot find answers to.

I think I'll stop my first entry here. I still have a LOT to say actually. I'm extremely verbose if you must know. So before I die of verbal diarrhoea I shall indulge my current number 1 need : sleep.


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