Endless Angsty Ramblings

I don't want to go for lecture tomorrow. I want a one week holiday. I'm having a severe case of holiday withdrawal symptoms.
This is bad. It's already the 4th week and I'm still as lazy as ever. Not good Valerie. Totally not cool.
I have a scary amount of readings to do. I'm still in denial.
I don't know where the enthusiasm to start the new chapter of my life (a.k.a. University) flew off too.
Maybe I was simply faking enthusiasm to psyche myself for the fate handed to me.
Because to be completely honest, this is not what I truly wanted. Yes, it was the next best option but it was never really my dream.
I wanted to get out. But I remain stuck, for many reasons. For many valid reasons I've come to accept. Or still coming to terms with.
Maybe it'll work out for the best. I need to have faith. But I never had much faith to begin with.
Faith has been elusive for a very long time now and I simply feel tired.
Tired of hanging on to that hope, to that promise I don't understand, to beliefs I cannot justify.
I feel/am detached. I hate it yet am comfortable with it.
I find myself enjoying my solitude (I always have but it's been upped to a new level)
I think too much. I worry too much. I care too much. And I don't care too much. Try making sense of that.
I don't know. I just feel like I've just lost myself.
I've forgotten what's important. I've surrounded myself with a wall. Never trusting people fully. Never trusting, even myself.
I see the apathy that has crept into my life, and taken a strong hold. The notion "ignorance is bliss" becoming increasingly familiar.
Fear fear fear. Now there's always fear of this and that. Irrational baseless fear.
I feel pressured yet I don't care.
I want to do so many things yet I don't, because I don't know where to start and I don't have enough courage nor will to do it.
I don't know when I crawled back into this shell. This comfort zone. Stagnant.
Everything's moving. Everything's changing. Everyone's changing. And I'm constant.
It's a conflicting thing, wanting to change and not change at the same time.
I want to laugh. Really laugh.
I want to cry. Really cry.
I want to feel pure unadulterated happiness, even sadness.
I don't want mere confusion and emptiness.
Yes, emptiness. Even amidst everyone, despite everything, the void lingers.
Am I ungrateful? Maybe I am. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am.
I want to have a connection with someone, without having to try.
I want to get away, from everything. From everyone. Not because I hate everything and everyone but simply because I want to get away.
This.has.got.to.stop.or.bye.bye.sanity.

I've rambled on for far too long.
Need to get back to my sociology homework.
" What is your ideal for a romantic partner?"
Wentworth Miller.

Just because.