Maybe.

Rainy days and chancing upon old mementos have a way of digging up feelings I've chosen to bury a long time ago.

I suddenly miss our everyday banter, your endless teasing.
Ranting to you and you gamely taking the violent manifestations of my stress.
Your sincere efforts to cheer me up when I'm down and spoil me with treats (unwanted or wanted) - gestures I took for granted.
Still being nice to me despite my purposeful indifference in the end.

You're now just part of my past I cannot and should not want to retrieve.
But, from time to time, I still can't help but wonder what could have been.
I had my reasons then , both valid and irrational.
My pride - I kept wanting someone better.
Fear of judgment - I cared too much about what people thought.
Preserving my parents' trust - I could not bear to lose it again.
My conscience - I somehow felt it was just the right thing to do.
But sometimes in retrospect, I found that it was just another classic case of me fighting what I feel, creating excuses to rationalize my denial.
Regardless, given the chance to go back, I still would not have done anything different.

That's all. I just wanted to get it out.
Back to the mess.


I need to learn to let go of the past.