The Recurrent Rant

How could I have forgotten dreams ?
How could I have been too complacent, too apathetic, too ungrateful, too contented with mediocrity?
What have I been doing with my life?
When did I get caught up in this web of insecurities, doubt, and numbness?
When did I agree to let myself slip into the humdrum of life, to be content with just surviving, to be cautious, to be careful, to be sure, to play safe?
Why did I bury my soul, held back my questions because of fear of judgment, allowed myself to believe that I was less deserving, less competent, less talented than the next person?
In doing so, I have wasted years and years becoming a superficial ignoramus whose thoughts and feelings only orbit around her pathetically small little world.
Because I kept my thoughts to myself because of some irrational feeling (like fear and embarrassment), I slowly lost the ability to express myself confidently and clearly.
Sometimes I feel like everything I am now is a mere facade, a persona I developed out of a sheer need to survive.
It's me but it's not me.
I'm stuck in this little red bubble and I've learned to be content with it.
It's only when I go back to Philippines when I manage to poke this seemingly unburst-able bubble and I realise that there's more.
I can't stand this restlessness.
I need a breather.