Storm

I finally felt the Sense of Urgency and the Panicky Rush 8 hours ago at 3 AM. It was so acute, I could not help but feel trapped in my vision of a tunnel with no end. It was not a pretty feeling. The reality that I have a mere 4 weeks to minimise the potential damage to my G.P.A. is such a slap in the face. I want to do so much better, I do, but this feeling of self doubt is slowly eating at me. It does not help that I am spiritually lost and restless. I've always been but it just seems so much more magnified now when I'm at my lowest point. I keep trying but that elusive faith seems to escape me everytime, and I'm finding it hard to hold on. I know I have family and friends to fall back on, and I'm truly grateful, I am. But when you've been wrestling with personal demons, and been holding on to a belief that an omnipotent Being will be there to fill that gaping hole in your own being for a long time, it tires you out. It makes you lose faith. It makes you wish you had not known what it was like to believe. It makes me want to let go. It's a conflict between desires/expectations and the actual reality. And I can't find a way to reconcile it the two. I wish I could. It's scary how one can feel so alone despite having loved ones around.

I just want to scream and feel alive.
Because I'm slowly finding it harder to smile.
And distractions?
They're the last thing I need.


It's such a beautiful song. I nearly cried when he sang it. It's amazing how songs can capture the very essence of feelings.

Storm by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I know everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright