It's The Good Advice, You Just Can't Take.

Stuck in a rut, and it's not a nice feeling. Nice, what does that word really ever mean anyway? Idleness makes me feel so contemplative, it's almost always turns into a full blown emo-fest. I can't ever see anything as it is, in a vacuum, without the strings of comparisons to the "others". Expectations, they just keep getting bigger, don't they? It's frustrating when achievements, once big, become nothing but mere expectations. No sense of credit being awarded to you, because it's the minimum you were expected to do anyway. The bar just gets higher and higher and you forget what you were reaching for in the first place. Messed up, so messed up when it shouldn't be. It's all in the mind and I guess, I have one messed up sense of confidence, of self, of expectations, of what life should be. I wish I can see myself the way others see me. Maybe I'm better, through those lenses but the mind does not work that way. It filters, it distorts, it presents thoughts in ways you want it to be presented to you. And because I have problems trusting myself, others, a higher being called God, I can't help but have numerous moments of self doubt, of plummeting confidence, of self pitying/wallowing talk that does nobody good. I don't talk about such things because the next day, I'll read back this entry, rebuke myself for being such a loser, dismiss the issue, put on a smile and "be myself" again. Whatever that means. But the fact is, this is nothing new. I've had the same issues raging in my mind since I turned 13. Every year, I convince myself that it's just a phase. And every year, my confidence does grow but whenever that happens, these ugly unresolved teenage insecurities rear its taunting heads, mocking my failed attempts. Cliche. I hate myself for using cliches. For living these cliches. I need get over my many, many hang ups - known or unknown, real or imaginary. I'm sick and tired of going through the same thoughts. That's why I'm so frustrated. I feel stuck. Stranded on the same ground. And the conflicting thing is that I know I can change it, I just can't bring myself to. Maybe because I love bumming around too much. Maybe it's because I don't care, I'm apathetic and I'm perfectly fine in this comfortable status quo. Maybe because I'm scared once things start to change I won't be able to stick to it, pull through or even accept it. Maybe because I'm scared of losing things and people important to me or that these changes will include realizations that I was never that important to them in the first place. Tangina. I need a good slap in the face. 

I'll shut up now.

Pretend this post never happened. It's 1.27 a.m. and I'm rambling. Again.