A very long entry

Recess Week is nearly ending and I haven't accomplished anything that I can be proud of.
I've been slacking (academically) since last Thursday till today. That's one whole week of failed attempts to study and play catch up. At the rate I'm going, everything I do will end up a 'failure' anyway because my expectations are too high and my plans highly ambitious. So whatever I do, will always fall short of what should have been done.

To my consolation, it (pseudo-holidays) was not a complete failure. I did manage to work on our group speech for 205. I managed to catch up on 5 weeks worth of COM202 (i.e. actually internalize the lecture slides). I managed to drag myself back to NTU to take my forgotten History notes today. Okay, the last statement is not a great achievement in itself, but is the first step towards achieving the almost-impossible goal of: internalizing those vile readings.
[I really don't know if I can manage this module and I'm severely tempted to S/U it, but the thing with me is that I'll most probably expend the same effort and time studying for the module regardless of whether I S/U it or not. So here I go again, gambling away my G.P.A. because of my pride and my incessant albeit unnecessary need to prove to myself that I can do it]

Time is once again moving so quickly. Where does it all go?

Last Thursday was spent performing the traditional dance at the International Culture and Travel Fair, going to ICA to submit my PR application and watching "He's Just Not That Into You" with the Pinoys. I remember coming back to hall at 1, being unable to sleep and watching the sappy movie "One More Chance" (John Lloyd and Bea Alonzo). As expected I skipped the morning lecture at 9am. I don't even remember what I did on Friday when I came back home.

Saturday was spent hanging out with Aishah and later Farhana for a failed 'tourist' outing which eventually turned into a fun post-birthday celebration. Thanks girls! It was a highly relaxing day.
Sunday was spent going to church then going to Rena's house for a sleepover / post birthday (for me) and pre birthday(for Rena) celebration with my Sushi Gang. I love the cake, the very touching and sentimental present and of course the company. I miss those simple days when we used to see each other in school, whine about A levels and talk about the most ridiculous things. Somehow, the whole transient nature of university still leaves me cold. That, or I haven't made enough effort to put myself out there. (I must admit that even though I'm still rather bubbly and perfectly fine with meeting people, I don't put in as much effort as I used to anymore. It's like I'm tired always being the first one to reach out.)

I continued slacking on Monday. The weather was of no help. I read my library book on philosophy and entertained myself with Jessica Zafra's witty writing. How I wish I could write like her. Tuesday was spent with COM205 group meeting which turned out to be the only productive thing I did this week. Since we're the very first ones up (and I'm the first speaker up), we need to sort it out quickly. Oh shit, there's still my individual speech to worry about.
Watched Slumdog Millionaire with Rohan after. The movie was brilliant and worth all the hype. Go and watch it. We had a nice long chat after and it made me think about a lot of things.
It made me think that I should not think about things too much. Hahaha. I am in urgent need of a paradigm shift if I want my life to go anywhere.

I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. The philosophy book I'm reading is a big help. I just know that I need to settle all these inner conflict. I need to make decisions. I need to figure things out by myself. I need to define things. Define my 'problems', because that's the first step to solving them.

I don't know why but the past few days or week, I've been carrying a heavy heart, a hazy conscience, a restless soul. I've always had, one way or the other, but this time, the emotions were more acutely felt. Talking to people did alleviate the heavy feeling but ultimately, I know it's all up to me.

Lent has begun. It was Ash Wednesday yesterday. To be perfectly honest, Lent has never really meant much to me. I don't fast. I don't abstain. I don't make the effort to understand what it's truly about that's why I don't believe. But this time, I'm going to make the next 40 days a little different. I'm going to try. I won't promise anything concrete, but I will try to inject some meaning into this, not because I should but because I truly want to.

Something unexpected happened during Mass celebrating Ash Wednesday. My brother's friend, who I barely know, and looked a lot like someone gave me a friendly hug as he wished me "peace be with you". In mass, there's a part where we say "Peace be with you" to each other. I usually hug my parents and my aunt, say "peace" cooly to my brothers, hug church friends if they happen to be there, and shake hands with strangers. But yesterday, my parents were seated inside the church while my brother and I were standing outside. My brother's friend came over to us. As with most of my brother's friend, I know their faces and acknowledge them with a cool nod and a smile when we see each other. So when he came over and gave me a hug at that part of the mass, I wasn't expecting it at all. I was very ready to shake his hand. He probably didn't find it awkward because he does it to all his friends, including my brother. Even my brother hugs his friends (boys and girls). The thing is, I don't even hug my brother for goodness sakes. And I don't generally do hugs. Unless you hug me first then I'll hug back. I don't even hug my closest friends. The only times I give hugs is when the person is depressed, leaving for another country or when I haven't seen the person for so long.
So my point is, it was strangely awkward. But it was also strangely comforting because there was no malice in it, and there was genuine sincerity in what he said. After mass, I got into a discussion with my brother about global issues and religion and I realized that even though I disregard my brother's opinion and faith, I do have some stuff to learn from him.

Anyway, that's enough verbal diarrhea for the day. I shall wake up early tomorrow to swim.
I will reach the place before the Clan of Ah Gongs congregate!

If only I was this verbose for COM202. Oh screw it.