listing again

I'm finding writing in continuous prose to be a troublesome and inefficient process. The amount of redundancies increases in each paragraph and I end up circumnavigating around my original thought. It just reflects the very disorganized way I go through thoughts in my mind. So for now, until I learn how to organize my thoughts and write succinctly, I will making use of lists.

On Friday's shopping trip:

1. I bought clothes I don't normally wear. I just felt a need to experiment and try new styles; styles which may or not suit me (according to other people) but I don't really care because I like what I got.

2. Shopping is actually tiring. Trying clothes on is tiring.

3. I finally understand what Rena meant when she said she finds shopping for clothes that fit her, an arduous task. 

4. An ATM/Debit card is a double edge sword. I applaud the convenience it gives but that same convenience allows me to conveniently purchase things with less guilt than paying with cold hard cash.

5. I still haven't found nice shoes! 

On Friday's tutoring session:

1. I notice progress! The little kid is using more English words. =) I'm happy. 

2. Pillow fights with kids are extremely fun. I felt like a 7 year old again.

3. I'm becoming quite attached to the whole family. =S I like how they don't treat me just as a tutor who comes and goes. The children treat me like their jie jie. They even tell me their secrets. The mother trusts me and is really very nice. The grandmother thinks I'm cute (hahaha) and I conversely told her I thought she was cute too (she really is! hahaha). They always offer me delicious food (snack and even dinner). It's just so comfortable. If they were my neighbors, I probably wouldn't mind doing it for free. But I have to travel a long way to get there so I guess getting paid, to me, is more of a compensation for the time and effort it takes to get there than the actual tutoring (which is sometimes frustrating but most of the time very enjoyable).  Now I know what they mean by "Find a job you'll love so that you'll never have to work for a day". I'll definitely continue during university and I'd hate it when the day comes when circumstances will force me end it. So I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

On Uni matters:

1. I can't decide whether I should I try out living in a hostel. On one hand I'd like to have the whole hostel experience but I'm reasoning that staying at home is actually more convenient. But I find staying at home rather suffocating. My parents can be supremely irritating about little every day things ( They sometimes forgot I'm 19 years old) and I need to get away from all of that. Will staying in hall actually save me time and money? Hmm. I'm confused. Every new thing seems to be demanding my attention in I have to make decisions in one go. 

2. Sometimes I do wonder if Communication Studies is for me. I'm at a complete loss at the direction this decision is going. It was always my childhood ambition to be a journalist like Maria Resa of CNN. I wanted to write. I wanted to do expose stories and documentaries that would induce strong reactions. I've also wanted to make ads that were thought provoking and original. And I've had little fantasies of becoming a radio deejay. And I'd really want to be involved in a film production at least once in my life. The thing is I know I've had opportunities to pursue this interests and translate them into actual skills (instead of them remaining as mere intentions) even before entering the university. I could have attended workshops to improve my writing. I could have learnt video production on my own. I could have submitted works online to be critiqued or in contests to be judge. But they all remain as mere I-want-to thoughts in my head because I always lacked the confidence to try and realize these wants. And even when I've mustered enough confidence, I stumble because I lack the discipline. I just keep feeling that I do not have enough talent to achieve what I want. And I'm always distracted about so many things. I want to do so many things I end up doing none. I'm in desperate need of priorities and organisation in my life. Both my mind and heart are all over the place. Someone teach me how to focus.

On Saturday's Outing:

1. Happy (belated as I write this) Birthday Yong Jun! =) We-missed-you-a-lot-that-is-why-we-really-wanted-to-hang-out-with-you-on-your-birthday-and-you've-become-man-lier-really. =P

2. I had spicy cha shu ramen at that Jap resto at Taka basement. Very nice! It reminded me of Char Siew (a.k.a. Andrew ) though. Haha. Come to think of it, I actually miss my SFMS guy friends. 

3. I hoped you guys liked the place we went too! =) It's the perfect place for heart to heart sessions. Hehe. 

4. We'll always be hear to listen to you ok? But I do hope you don't do anything rash. 

Although I don't completely understand your logic (or lack thereof, hehe) I'd be the last one to judge you. 

How many friendships can one heart maintain before it becomes emotionally straining or compromising? How many people can you trust enough to be your truest self to?

What does becoming an adult mean? Does that mean finally conforming to society's expectations of you because you're finally aware that your actions have real consequences, consequences you, and not your parents, have to bear with? Or does it mean finally being old enough to go on your own and say "screw society's views" because you're now strong enough to choose your own path and take responsibility of whatever you choose to do? Whoever came up with the idea that by turning 18 we magically mature into adults anyway? At what point do  people start knowing they're adults. Why do we need these classifications in the first place? I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.

All that I am

All that I have

I lay them down 

Before You O Lord

All my regrets

All my acclaims

The joy and the pain

I'm making them yours

Lord I offer my life to You

Everything I've been through

Use it for Your glory

Lord I offer my days to You

Lifting my praise to you

As a pleasing sacrifice

Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past

Things yet unseen

Wishes and dreams 

That are yet to come true

All of my hopes

All of my plans

My heart and my hands 

I lift them to you

What can we give that You have not given?

And what do we have that is not already Yours?

All we possess is this life that we're given,

And that's what we'll give to you Lord.

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